Somedays

Some days a girl just wants her mom. 

No matter what your relationship with your mom might be, there will always be times in your life you feel like you need her. Today is one of those days. I don't feel sick and want to be taken care of, I just want to have a ridiculous conversation that makes absolutely no sense to anyone else with that one person who gets me in a way that no one else does. *sigh* We used to talk randomly throughout most days. Mostly just silly things, sometimes just to vent, sometimes just to laugh. Anything and everything was open for discussion. I miss that more than anything.

 People like to assume that feeling this way brings on overwhelming feelings of sadness and grief.  Here is a surprise for everyone... it doesn't. Feeling this way doesn't make this a bad day otherwise every day would be a bad day, because there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel something in regards to missing my mom or Chante. I'm a bit sad, but at the same time I'm teaching myself to feel these things without letting it overwhelm me. For months I refused to let myself feel anything. I forced myself to "get over it" and move on. Clearly that isn't a healthy way of dealing with it, but it is what got me through what I needed to deal with at that time. 

It has taken me time, but I am S-L-O-W-L-Y learning to feel the grief and emotions as they come. Live through it. Function with it. It is always going to be a part of my life, I can't run from it, so I am going to run with it.Someone told me not too long ago that someday it won't hurt to think about them. It isn't the memories that hurt. 95% of the time I can remember things with a smile. Its days like today when I want to have something as simple as a text conversation that that absurd little 5% catches me off guard and makes me a bit sad.

I am still terrible at talking about it. Talking brings tears, and then I inevitably feel like I am unnecessarily burdening that person with my "issues" so I just don't do it. This is where this little outlet called a blog comes in. I'm no longer keeping it in, I am writing it out and sending it out into the universe.  I have had people talk about me both to my face and behind my back saying that I am dragging this out for attention, or that I need to see a therapist for PTSD. It bothered me for a bit because sometimes I do think that I should just be "over it." There is no expiration date on grief. The way one person deals is completely different than an others and judgement should not be made. I don't need advice, or extra attention... I'm not looking for sympathy, I just need to get it out. I don't even care if anyone reads this because honestly, its for me. But, maybe my words will happen to help someone else who is or has been experiencing pain in the way that others words helped me when I couldn't find my own.