I remember when...

 The most treasured heirlooms are the memories of family. 

Sometimes it takes one small thing to bring back a thousand memories. Yesterday it was the smell of blooming sage. As I was hiking the foothills I plucked a sprig and brought it to my nose and suddenly, almost magically, my most happy childhood memories were there at the forefront of my mind. 

 

The months we spent as a family up at our cabin in the Sawtooths were our happiest moments. I can feel the rocks beneath my shoes, the scratch of the sagebrush against my shins, feel my moms hand in mine, smell my dads aftershave from somewhere ahead of me, hear my sisters walking and laughing beside me. 

The best part of reliving these memories is knowing that I’m not forgetting. Because forgetting them is the one thing I’m most afraid of. I know I have said that before, and I know I will say it again.

 Knowing that the next time I walk among blooming sagebrush, I walk with them... well that’s the least lonely I have felt in a very long time. They may be gone, but definitely not forgotten.

January 19

January 19th is kind of a dirty word in my home. I try my best to block out my experiences that day, but its kind of a fruitless effort. Its the day I watched my mom take her last breath. Its the day that CPR became a real thing. Its the day I heard the EMT say, "we've got her back" only to jump in the car, get to the hospital and be told that she didn't make it. She was done. Her body was tired, but my heart hurt... my best friend just left me. I remember walking out and standing outside the automatic doors at the entrance of the Emergency Room and I just couldn't breathe. I couldn't catch my breathe. I didn't cry then. I didn't cry for almost a year. I got to business breaking the news to everyone. Those are cries and wails you never forget. The hurt was so fresh because we'd suddenly lost our sister Chante just weeks before. We didn't have time to grieve one before being shocked by another.

Turning it into art

"Take that broken heart, and turn it into art."

-Carrie Fischer-

Its been a strange few months for me emotionally, winter always is. If I could skip December and January annually, I would. Being stuck in a weird head space and lacking the motivation or inspiration to write, yet needing to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard in this case) and letting the thought process pour out of you... It isn't a fun place to be, yet here I am! I can't even tell you how many times I opened up this page just to write a sentence and then proceed to sit and stare at the page until I get frustrated and walk away. The nearly blank entry just sitting there, silently mocking me like a big jerk. Hah! I am aware that is a very dramatic way of thinking... damn anxiety trolls... blarg.  

Happy Monday and 5 Good Things

Happy Holidays! 

Random Musings of an Unfocused Mind.

All day I have felt the need to write. Felt the need to release something... I feel like I have an incredible amount of unfocused energy in my body and it isn't doing anything positive. In fact, I think about it, get overwhelmed and then shut down completely and get pretty down on myself.

Happy Monday and 5 Happy Things

Its another beautiful Monday!! Ready for 5 Happy Things?

 

The BIG Trip- New York

I knew quite a long time ago that on the anniversary of my moms death, I wanted to do something big every year. I wanted to spend the day celebrating her, and her memory, and experiencing something new and exciting that she never got to do. 

From a Motherless Child on Mothers Day

This is the third Mothers Day I've endured without a mom to celebrate it with. Not a foreign feeling, but today is also a little different. The last two I still had a motherly figure in the form of my grandma. This is the first year that I want to completely ignore today. I don't want it to exist. I have dreaded it for weeks.

Connectivity

Connecting to people is something I have decided that I am terrible at. Not because I don't want to, I honestly think its a self preservation thing. It isn't just in my every day dealings with humans... I have definitely isolated myself, distanced my self from the memory of my family.

Don't be a dick...

 

I feel a bit judged lately. Comments to my face. Things said behind my back. I should be "over it" or "back to normal" by now. It's time to speak up, so that I can move on.  It has been an interesting few years, and its left me changed. I get stuck in my own head. I get a bit down on the inside. I’m more quiet than I used to be. Not everyone likes the me I am now. "Judgy." To be totally honest, I would like to see every one of those people live just part of what I have gone through and try to come out the other end unchanged. In fact, I dare you.

Let me break it down for you. A little over two years ago life was calm. It was simple and quiet. It was easy. My family was cohesive, happy… I took it for granted, really. A few days before Christmas that year my sister was killed in a car accident. It wasn’t our first experience losing a family member unexpectedly, but that doesn’t make it any less devastating. A month later in January my mom died. Again, totally and completely unexpectedly. She was my best friend… The rug was pulled out from underneath what was left of my little family unit and our lives changed dramatically. We became a primary caregivers to my grandmother and my handicapped aunt. That includes meals, paying bills, grocery shopping, home maintenance... everything. A few short months ago I held my grandmothers hand as she took her last breath and then became my aunts guardian. She has since moved in with me.

I essentially have a 64 year old who will forever have the mentality of a 6 year old. To say co-habitating with her has been an adjustment is an understatement. While we were moving her into her new home, I was simultaneously emptying her old one to surrender to the bank. Going through 60 years worth of items that represent the grandparents I used to have, the parents I used to have, the family I used to have. Every item, every dish, every photo, every brick of that home is a memory of a life that died with my family. Aside from my aunt, I am the last of my immediate family. There is no one else. No more family dinners. No more celebrating mothers day with a matriarch, no one to retell family stories. If it isn't remembered by me, its gone. Let me tell you, that brings a whole new meaning to the word alone.

So…. tell me I don’t have a right to be down. Tell me I shouldn’t retreat into my own head sometimes. Tell me not to feel sorry for myself sometimes. I didn’t ask for any of this.

I’ve learned a few things during these experiences. Its okay to be angry. It’s okay to have bad days. Its okay to hate the world, the universe, whatever higher power you believe in for taking so much away from you. 

Reading this you might think that I have become overwhelmingly negative as a result…. but you know what else I have done in these two years? I have lived. I have done more, and experienced more in the last two years than I did in the 10 years prior. I stopped caring so much what others thought of my thoughts and actions and started living life for me. I’ve lived in the mountains in a little cabin I worked for and got by myself. I’ve hiked over 100 miles every summer. Seen parts of the mountains of Idaho I never thought I would see. I’ve backpacked in the rain, and in the snow and slept under the stars by myself. I’ve snowmobiled up to abandoned mines. Walked the entire Las Vegas Strip deep in conversation with my best friend. I have watched New Years fireworks shoot off of the Space Needle from a boat in the middle of the sound. Swam through a canyon fully clothed to get to a waterfall. Strolled hand in hand on a beach on both sides of the Atlantic and the West coast. I’ve been tattooed in Scotland. I’ve hidden notes in books of poetry for people I love at Powells books in Portland. I’ve seen a few Broadway show and experienced the 9/11 memorial in NYC. I’ve survived a “snowmageddon” in Washington DC. Ran and jumped into someones arms on a street corner in Salt Lake. Played piano with homeless woman and also ran half a mile at 1 in the morning in Denver. Ran in the rain with my love after a concert in Seattle. I’ve touched castles in Wales built by my family and visited tombs of my forefathers in London. I rolled my truck on an icy highway in January then walked to work. I hiked The Narrows in Zion, and viewed Bryce Canyon from the canyon floor. Ive touched 1000 year old sequoias and eaten dinner on the banks of the Merced River at the base of El Cap in Yosemite. I walked the entire length of Manhattan from top to bottom, watched the sun set sitting on the banks of the Hudson and listened to my favorite classical music while getting lost in Central Park. I saw real Van Gogh and Monet paintings and ate amazing food with friends in LA. I've allowed more spontaneity in my life(and subsequently my husbands whether he likes it or not :0)) than ever before. I’ve traveled more in the last year than I have in 20 years.

As much as I have loved everything I have seen and experienced, I do wish I was doing it with my family by my side. Part of me knows that my life never would have jump started like this had I not lost them... The other part of me thinks that maybe despite it all, they would be standing by my side and I could see the look on their faces when witnessing London for the first time.  But, it isn't my reality. Reality is me, taking my memories of them with me wherever I go. I will never stop imagining a hand in mine that will never physically be there again... but they go with me. I hope I have made them proud.

I have loved more fiercely than I ever dared. My circle of friends has shrunk, but my love for the few I have left has increased ten fold. I have reconnected with a few I’d lost touch with. My nearest and dearest all live hundreds of miles away, which has only given me the chance to travel more often. Life has afforded me the opportunity to love, and be loved by more than I realize. Even if I knew that I would have my heart broken, knew these connections would end in hurt, I wouldn’t change my decision to be in these relationships at this time in my life. I would never give up the chance to love and be loved as fully and wholeheartedly as I have the last few months. This last year has taught me to love myself, and my body, and the people around me so much more than I thought possible. Humans have SUCH incredible hearts, and what you can do with that love once you decide to not limit it is amazing. I want to feel like this forever, and maybe I will… but I know that no matter what happens, I will always cherish these times. It is what has gotten me through.

So, at the end of all of this I want those who have judged me to look me in the eye and tell me I’ve a bad attitude. Tell me I am negative. Tell me I have let the world, and death beat me. Walk a few steps in my shoes next time before you form your opinions. I might retreat into my head and feel sorry for myself, I might pull away, I might get overcome with anxiety from time to time because I am afraid of losing everything I hold dear and I will never, ever, for one second stop missing my family… but I have never and will never let it stop me from living and experiencing and loving my life.

Happy Monday and Ten Good Things

Its a MONDAY!!

As I write, I'm stage managing an opera, in an airplane hangar. Bringing together people from all over the country to tell a story. Combining creative efforts to turn an hangar into an acceptable performance venue. Its quite the process, and its been powerful to watch it all come together to be able to tell an incredibly moving story.
 

Speaking of writing, I find that I have an ever evolving relationship with it. Depends heavily upon the state of my mind. I write what is on my mind and heart, and sometimes facing that is a lot easier said than done. I can't promise consistency. But I can say I've missed this little space. 

So, ten good things about the last several months since I showed my face around here...

1. A few more months of mountain living happened. Backpacking, trips to the lake, breathtaking sunsets and day hikes until the first snow fell. I feel like we milked every last second we had up there.

 






2. Mental health trip to Salt Lake, Vegas and Zions- Took a little time for myself and visited family in friends and family in Salt Lake. A few weeks later brought me to Vegas to spend some time with friends, and then a few days camping and hiking in Zions.










3. Thanksgiving Break in Portland- Matt and I met our sister/friend Katie in Portland and explored, read, ate and drank our way through the town while planning our future trip to the UK.





4. Christmas- This one was hard. We lost my grandma the week prior, so celebrating was really, really hard. The tree was up, but it didn't ever get decorated. But we made due. 



5. New Years in Seattle- I joined some friends for a week and rang in the new year on a boat on the Puget Sound watching fireworks being set off from the Space Needle. Amazing.







6. UK trip- This deserves its own series of posts, and I will get there. Promise :0)


7. Reno! I make the trip not for the city itself, but to visit some very dear to me friends. When you've experienced a lot of loss, you close your heart. I have a few I still let in, and they know how special they are to me. Unfortunately, most of them live elsewhere in the country.



8. Winter Escape- We found ourselves in the Sawtooths for a weekend this March and it was exactly what we needed.




9. Learning our new family Normal- With the death of my grandma, Matt and I became guardians of my aunt. She lives with us permanently and it has definitly changed our family dynamic. We have had to redefine what our "normal" is. More on that later as well



 

10. Feeling the BERN! What a crazy year it has been politically and it is only April. We are proud to support Bernie Sanders and were able to attend a rally and hear him speak, then participate in Idahos record shattering democratic caucus. What an experience!

A War Between Remembering and Forgetting

When I arrived in Boise a few days ago for a quick trip home I had a few things waiting for me in the mail. I knew my uncle had passed away, but seeing the memorial video and the program made it all real. Kind of sucks if I am being totally honest. He was a force of nature and fiercely protective of his family. He also had the most distinctive voice I have ever heard. I always knew when my grandma was talking to him on the phone because you could understand every word from 15 feet away :0)

Once more...

I feel like a broken record every time I say something about not being okay. As tired as you may be of hearing me say it, I am definitely way more tired of feeling it. I'm tired, haven't been sleeping, still feel like I am absolute crap at my job and my emotions are kind of all over the place. I know it is a result of the time of year. Chante's birthday on the 19th and moms on the 30th. And on top of all of that, losing my uncle was hard. Right now I am finding it increasingly difficult to distract myself enough to forget about whatever inner turmoil is rolling around in my head. 

Being where I am helps. Its quiet and beautiful and lets me think. It also doesn't judge me when I cry. For the first time since they died, I allowed myself to break. It was a few months ago, and since then I have let go a few tears which is a feat in and of itself. I had built this emotional wall inside my head that I have now allowed to crumble a bit. Sometimes I wish I hadn't, because occasionally I get a bit overwhelmed by feeling too much. It is a strange double edged sword or a fine line walked between being emotionally stunted and a teary blubbering idiot.

Someday I will get it figured out. Or not. Who knows. Right now I would be content just knowing where I belong. There are so many ways this summer could play out, but I am desperately afraid of making the wrong decisions and disappointing everyone. If I do what I can to make everyone else happy, I become miserable. *sigh* Can someone else just make the choices for me?

I'm also struggling with not being able to fix everything for everyone.  It is the mother-hen instinct. I have the need to try and make every other persons problem to go away. It takes my mind off of my own problems. The problem I am running into is knowing HOW to make others problems go away. I can't, and I hate that I can't.

Despite how it sounds, life really is getting better. The mountains, clean air and these people are good for the soul. Two steps forward and one step back is still forward progress. Right? I'm getting there little by little. In the words of Shakespeare... Once more unto the breach dear friends!!

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl

You had been at the forefront of my mind for a few weeks, and all of the sudden I looked at the calendar and realized your birthday was nearly here. It still seems impossible that you are gone. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that I will never again see your smile, hear your voice, and feel your arms around me in a hug. And you know what... it still sucks. A lot.

I just happened to be reading yesterday and this particular quote really resonated with me. "The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mold yourself through the gaps.” That is what you are my dear, a big Chante sized hole in my life. I'm learning to grow around it, learning to live with it whether I like it or not because it is always going to be part of who I am.

The truth is there are days I still just want to be sad. And days I just want to be angry and selfish about the whole situation. But sadness gets boring after a while... and I know being in that state of mind constantly would do nothing but disappoint you. So, instead of focusing on the sadness and anger I feel, I am going to do my best to find something beautiful that day. Try to see something good in that day that I wouldn't have ordinarily noticed. Just for you my sister. I miss you more than you could ever know. Love you sweet girl!!

Somedays

Some days a girl just wants her mom. 

No matter what your relationship with your mom might be, there will always be times in your life you feel like you need her. Today is one of those days. I don't feel sick and want to be taken care of, I just want to have a ridiculous conversation that makes absolutely no sense to anyone else with that one person who gets me in a way that no one else does. *sigh* We used to talk randomly throughout most days. Mostly just silly things, sometimes just to vent, sometimes just to laugh. Anything and everything was open for discussion. I miss that more than anything.

 People like to assume that feeling this way brings on overwhelming feelings of sadness and grief.  Here is a surprise for everyone... it doesn't. Feeling this way doesn't make this a bad day otherwise every day would be a bad day, because there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel something in regards to missing my mom or Chante. I'm a bit sad, but at the same time I'm teaching myself to feel these things without letting it overwhelm me. For months I refused to let myself feel anything. I forced myself to "get over it" and move on. Clearly that isn't a healthy way of dealing with it, but it is what got me through what I needed to deal with at that time. 

It has taken me time, but I am S-L-O-W-L-Y learning to feel the grief and emotions as they come. Live through it. Function with it. It is always going to be a part of my life, I can't run from it, so I am going to run with it.Someone told me not too long ago that someday it won't hurt to think about them. It isn't the memories that hurt. 95% of the time I can remember things with a smile. Its days like today when I want to have something as simple as a text conversation that that absurd little 5% catches me off guard and makes me a bit sad.

I am still terrible at talking about it. Talking brings tears, and then I inevitably feel like I am unnecessarily burdening that person with my "issues" so I just don't do it. This is where this little outlet called a blog comes in. I'm no longer keeping it in, I am writing it out and sending it out into the universe.  I have had people talk about me both to my face and behind my back saying that I am dragging this out for attention, or that I need to see a therapist for PTSD. It bothered me for a bit because sometimes I do think that I should just be "over it." There is no expiration date on grief. The way one person deals is completely different than an others and judgement should not be made. I don't need advice, or extra attention... I'm not looking for sympathy, I just need to get it out. I don't even care if anyone reads this because honestly, its for me. But, maybe my words will happen to help someone else who is or has been experiencing pain in the way that others words helped me when I couldn't find my own. 

A few words about words...

In the months following the loss of my sister and my mother, I couldn't bring myself to read fiction. What I did do, was devour poetry, and quotes about loss and grief, strength and weakness. I wrote the ones I connected to in a notebook. I didn't realize it until sometime later, but I was searching for words that explained more eloquently, the feelings in my head and in my heart, because I couldn't describe it. I needed to read and identify with the words of others who had felt what I felt. In a weird way it made me feel less lonely. These words understood and explained how I felt. They didn't judge, or make me think I was crazy or compare my loss or level of grief to theirs. In a few months I read hundreds of poems and quotes. As helpful as they were at the time I read them, only a handful remain memorized. The one that struck me the most was brought to my attention by a good friend of mine and is probably the most powerful two lines I have ever read in my life.

These words made me realize how deeply loosing them affected me. Pride told me I was okay. I now am now aware I am not, but someday will be. I started this post tragedy journey wanting to live FOR my sister and mom. What I have learned is that I am really living for me. Through everything I do they are with me, "everything I do is stitched with their color." 

I am not defined by their loss, but so much of what I have accomplished in the last year has been influenced by them, or the loss of them. Life is short and unpredictable. I have learned that I want to live it. I refuse to be unhappy, complacent. The biggest thing I'm trying to figure out is what kind of person I want to be and how to achieve it in baby steps. A constant thought in the back of my mind is whether or not my sister and Mom would be proud of the person I have become. I'm not sure that is a healthy way of looking at things, but it is always going to be there. One thing I do know, is that whoever I was, whoever I am, and whoever I will be... They'd love me regardless. THAT is the kind of person I want to become... another example of the influence of their absence... and my decisions being "stitched with its color."