"Take that broken heart, and turn it into art."
-Carrie Fischer-
Its been a strange few months for me emotionally, winter always is. If I could skip December and January annually, I would. Being stuck in a weird head space and lacking the motivation or inspiration to write, yet needing to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard in this case) and letting the thought process pour out of you... It isn't a fun place to be, yet here I am! I can't even tell you how many times I opened up this page just to write a sentence and then proceed to sit and stare at the page until I get frustrated and walk away. The nearly blank entry just sitting there, silently mocking me like a big jerk. Hah! I am aware that is a very dramatic way of thinking... damn anxiety trolls... blarg.
I'm not sure whats going on in my head most of the time, but I do know this... My heart has been heavy lately. I know without a
doubt how tough I can be. I can easily push aside the feelings and present a
strong front... But I've also learned that if I don't allow myself to feel
hurt and vulnerable, if I don't allow myself to need other people, then
I am doing myself a giant disservice. When you've lost a majority
of the people you have allowed yourself to need, it is a
feat much easier said than done.
I saw a movie this last week about a young boy who gets separated from his family at a very young age. He fends for himself for a while before moving on and creating a new life, but eventually the past comes back to haunt him and he realizes how disconnected he feels from his current surroundings. He longs for the feelings that accompany "home" and "family." I was really surprised to realize that felt similarly to him in regards to missing that feeling of home and family. Though our circumstances were different, I identified with his feelings of loss and being lost in a world where love exists. I know there are people in my life who I love and who love me, but its different from the way you feel when you are surrounded by your parents and grandparents. My life is good, and the relationships I have are beautiful... but it's kind of like a few puzzle pieces of your soul are missing. It still creates a pretty picture, it just isn't entirely whole.
That is what I am struggling with
lately. I want to need people, but my heart is pretty guarded at the
moment, and its very, very stubborn. I know it is very easy for me to build a wall around myself out of self preservation and not let anyone in or let any feelings out. I've been there and I didn't like that person. I need to accept that I did let people in, and I did let my heart get broken, then learn from it. I need to remind myself that while it hurts, letting myself love and nurture and be loved and nurtured is worth the potential heart ache. I want to be able to love without limits again.
A person very dear to me (who incidentally isn't in my life anymore, but whose presence is greatly missed) told me once that I don't wake up in the morning holding on to what I was feeling the day before. I never really saw myself that way, but he is right. I allow myself to feel what I need to feel today, and let it be. Let that energy be channeled into something beautifully productive. Tomorrow is a new day with a clean canvas (or empty blog post.)
Anyway, I know for those of you who actually have followed this blog for any amount of time- I sound like a broken record and I appreciate you for sticking with me through all of the ups and downs. My thought process is just that... an ever evolving process. I could throw up some half-hearted posts that make it appear like life is hunky-dory like so many other bloggers do (I believe the term is "lifestyle porn," or the appearance of a perfect life... posts like that do more damage in the long run, I think). But I won't... I can't try to compare my life to someones potentially dishonest representation of their life. One of the things I promised to work on this year was being authentic to myself. I don't want to blog or post on social media just for followers, that number doesn't get to dictate my worth. I want to be able to look back and see an accurate representation of my life, the good and the bad. I want to look back and see the process of turning my broken heart in to art.
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