Happy Monday and 5 Good Things

I know it isn't Monday but lets just say it's close enough. There is no way I will remember or have time to get this up tomorrow. These last few weeks have been a literal roller coaster. So much going on with that I have very little control over. I've been all sorts of proactive (hah!) about the situation and just held on for dear life. I'm kind of excited about not really knowing where life is leading in the next few months. 

That being said... Happy Sunday night/Monday morning. I have a lot to be grateful for and feel its only right to articulate those good spots in my life right this moment.

I have foxes living in my front yard. I don't care if I've said this before, its still freaking cool. This video is terrible, but watch it on your phone, it won't be so grainy. I never get to see these little adolescent babies because of my work schedule. My one day off this week i happened to come back from a hike just in time to catch these guys in a bout of rough housing. Cutest thing I'd seen all day! 

I made a couple really fast trips to Boise to work load in and load out of Book of Mormon the musical. It was a lot of work, a lot of hours and SO worth every hour of sleep I didn't get. I've lost quite a few friends over the last year for one reason or another, but these four have hung on. They've seen me cry, and made me laugh and love me still. I haven't seen Sean in about 2 years (thankfully he works and travels with the show) so to have a few minutes to spend real quality time together after the year we have both been through was awesome. The universe knew I needed a Hammy hug.  I don't have a lot of faith in friends, but I have faith in him :0)

 After load out I got to see my Lindsey for a few short moments right as she got off the plane in LA before I left for Smiley Creek. I told you this trip was worth it! She is my little sister from another mister and more importantly, she has faith in me. She carries me far more than I carry her. I don't know what I would do without her. 

Ive snuck away a few evenings and gone on a few hikes. There are times I am still in awe of what my body is capable of.  A year ago trail running wasn't even in my vocabulary... not its my favorite, even when I biff it and bruise the crap out of my legs. (no ma'am, I don't need to talk to someone about being abused, I did a 9 truck load out then tripped over my feet while hurling myself down a mountian. But thanks for the concern) Here are a few shots of my adventures.

I finally got Jerrad out in the kayak!! Never thought it would happen. We enjoyed a beautifully quiet Saturday morning on Pettit Lake before work. It was also good to spend some one on one time with my friend. We work with each other everyday, but haven't actually talked about anything real. It was nice to enjoy each others company and undivided attention. 

That one time I quoted Sex and the City

Ssshhhhhh.... Who am I kidding, it isn't a secret. I am a huge Sex and the City fan. Team Big. Go ahead judge me... see if I care. 

Why am I choosing to bring SatC onto this blog right now? Because those girls were smart. They lived through hurt and heartbreak and love and families. Several of their words struck chords with me then, that I still occasionally pop into my head when I need them.

Happy whatever today is and 10 good things

Ahh... its been a while, I know. Still not the worst dry spell between Happy Monday posts, I think. I moved into a new place and just now got internet hooked up so that is going to be my big fat excuse. To make up for my absence, here are 10 things that have made me happy over the last few weeks.

Happy Monday and 5 good things

Y'all thought I forgot about it didn't you! Ha! I am full of surprises. I am also biding time waiting to go to work and have been up since well, I am not sure I ever went to sleep to be honest. We had a log-sawer move in a few days ago. For the record, super nice guy... but I am trying real hard to come up with a way to not hear the snoring but also let myself sleep without taking nyquil. Le sigh... I feel like this is a first world problem, but whatever. I think we should talk about 5 good things that occurred this last week.

A War Between Remembering and Forgetting

When I arrived in Boise a few days ago for a quick trip home I had a few things waiting for me in the mail. I knew my uncle had passed away, but seeing the memorial video and the program made it all real. Kind of sucks if I am being totally honest. He was a force of nature and fiercely protective of his family. He also had the most distinctive voice I have ever heard. I always knew when my grandma was talking to him on the phone because you could understand every word from 15 feet away :0)

Currently... the sequel

  I wish I found myself with more time to write. But I don't, and I don't for see that changing a whole lot so I will do my best with the limited time I have. In the meantime you'll probably see a lot of filler posts like this. If ya don't like it... don't read it!

 

Sunrise... Sunset

There are no words to describe some of the gorgeous sunrises and sunset we get to see, So I will just leave these here :0)

Once more...

I feel like a broken record every time I say something about not being okay. As tired as you may be of hearing me say it, I am definitely way more tired of feeling it. I'm tired, haven't been sleeping, still feel like I am absolute crap at my job and my emotions are kind of all over the place. I know it is a result of the time of year. Chante's birthday on the 19th and moms on the 30th. And on top of all of that, losing my uncle was hard. Right now I am finding it increasingly difficult to distract myself enough to forget about whatever inner turmoil is rolling around in my head. 

Being where I am helps. Its quiet and beautiful and lets me think. It also doesn't judge me when I cry. For the first time since they died, I allowed myself to break. It was a few months ago, and since then I have let go a few tears which is a feat in and of itself. I had built this emotional wall inside my head that I have now allowed to crumble a bit. Sometimes I wish I hadn't, because occasionally I get a bit overwhelmed by feeling too much. It is a strange double edged sword or a fine line walked between being emotionally stunted and a teary blubbering idiot.

Someday I will get it figured out. Or not. Who knows. Right now I would be content just knowing where I belong. There are so many ways this summer could play out, but I am desperately afraid of making the wrong decisions and disappointing everyone. If I do what I can to make everyone else happy, I become miserable. *sigh* Can someone else just make the choices for me?

I'm also struggling with not being able to fix everything for everyone.  It is the mother-hen instinct. I have the need to try and make every other persons problem to go away. It takes my mind off of my own problems. The problem I am running into is knowing HOW to make others problems go away. I can't, and I hate that I can't.

Despite how it sounds, life really is getting better. The mountains, clean air and these people are good for the soul. Two steps forward and one step back is still forward progress. Right? I'm getting there little by little. In the words of Shakespeare... Once more unto the breach dear friends!!

First 10 miles down!

Guess who was finally able to go out for a hike?? I know I have done Hellroaring Lake a hundred times, but I still love it. There's something about those peaks that draws me to them. I didn't get to stay at the lake long because of weather. At one point on the return trip I turned around to see a wall of rain thick enough to obscure the view of the mountains heading right for me. Fortunately I didn't get too wet. Here are a few shots!

 Hamlet joined me on this adventure. He still isn't quite sure about this adventuring outside of Denmark business.

What a week!

Bang, all of the sudden its been a week since I last posted. What?!? How did that happen... It is all wibbly wobbly timey wimey, I tell you. What has happened this week? Lets refer to iphone camera roll because honestly, besides lots of work, I have NO idea. 

I went home for a doctors appointment and saw Matt and the puppies for about 5 minutes. Just long enough to feel guilty about leaving again. Seriously, look at those faces!!

I few days later I was missing them so I ran away by myself and played in the park on the swings. Is this park for real?? Check out this view!!

We have had SOO much rain up here. I shouldn't complain since chances are good we will be praying for rain in a few months, but it has made it pretty difficult to go play! What it has done though, is make for some pretty incredible mountain shots and sunset photos. 

do you see the sneaky second rainbow??

I do other things besides take pictures of sunsets, I promise. We have had a few game nights playing cards against humanity, watched a few movies and gone to dinner in Stanley and at Redfish Lake Lodge. I'm just terrible at taking pictures because my phone doesn't get service and is basically a brick, so it stays in my bag. I did go on a hike, but I intend on posting about that later. Here's to the weekend!!

Four Things

Four Movies I Have Watched More Than Once

Love Actually- It is not just a Christmas movie. 

Last of the Dogmen- Beautiful mountains, secret Indian tribe living in the Oxbow. 

The Count of Monte Cristo- The one made in 2001 was the first movie I ever bought on Dvd.

Harry Potter- All of them. At least once a year

Four Places I Have Visited

Oregon Coast- I've been there a few times, most recently was Memorial Weekend 2014

Dallas/Fort Worth- Matt and I were here in March last year. I really enjoyed downtown Fort Worth

Chicago- Its been several years since I attended a tradeshow here, but it was fun. Terrible weather, and the light rail was full of some scary homeless guys throwing garbage, but it is such a huge city with a lot of cool things to offer.

San Diego- I would absolutely visit again. The beaches are awesome, and the air quality is so much better than LA.

Four Things I Don’t Eat

Hot Dogs- Ick, processed ham has always made me sick. Then I worked for a company that made gobs of corn dogs, so now the smell makes my stomach turn.

Lemonade- Again, worked around it far too much to enjoy it.

Cabbage- Gross. Especially cooked

Brussel Sprouts- Super gross, especially cooked

Four of my Favorite Books

Timeline- My favorite Michael Crichton book. Very timey-wimey. Medieval.

Hamlet- This is the play that made me fall in love with Shakespeare

The Deathly Hallows- The last book in the Harry Potter Series. I've read this at least a dozen times

Changes- Book 12 in the Harry Dresden series.

Four Things I Wish I Could Do

Play guitar. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it after playing piano for years.

Speak a different language

Travel more. So many places I want to see that I will probably never make it to. 

Sing. I can carry a tune, but I would love to be able to belt it Idina Menzel style

Four TV Shows I Watch

Orphan Black- if you don't know about this show... What is wrong with you!?!?!

Doctor Who- duh. Nerd

Gilmore Girls- Love/hate this show. It reminds me of what I had with my mom

The West Wing- Bartlett for President!!

Four Things I’m Looking Forward To This Year

Summer Weather- I'm ready for weather nice enough to walk around in shorts/t-shirts

Book of Mormon the Musical- I am so excited to see my friends on the show and to work a show the caliber of this production.

Traveling- I want to see the world! I have all sorts of plans brewing.

Exploring- Hikes... hikes... hikes

Four Subjects I Studied at School

English

History

Music

Horticulture

Four Things That I Can’t Live Without
Music
Nature
Books
Food

Four Things About my Husband
 Hard Working- The hardest working guy I know
Accepting of my strange life choices- Like running away to the mountains for the summer
Has a huge heart- Loves my family as much as I do
Loves me despite me!!

A blessing or a lesson?

Loneliness is a strange state of mind. I've always been the type of person that enjoys alone time, but only to a certain degree. Being in my head is only good for a while, then I start to visit some deep dark places that I just shouldn't. I'm pretty good at realizing when I need to be around people and when I don't. The type of loneliness that I don't like in any way, shape or form is the surrounded by a room full of people and feeling alone. Its upsetting and frustrating to have so many people around you and feeling like you have no one to talk to. Friends who are important to me stop finding me important. I've come to realize that I only matter to certain people when they need something from me (which I am usually more than happy to give) otherwise I'm inconsequential to them. I think some of this stems from being the type of person who cares too much. We have all read the quote that says "Don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't jump puddles for you." I am a serial ocean crosser. I thought that I had my group of friends figured out. I thought I was aware of who really, really cared about me, and who was just faking it. I thought I knew who had the ability to hurt me and who didn't.

It has been a bit of a rough week. I've worked non stop for several weeks, I'm struggling between feeling like I'm doing awesome and failing miserably at my current job, and the death of my uncle and the birthday of my sister who has been gone just over a year has me in a strange place in my head. When I feel the need to vent it has always gone to 1 of like 3 people. I don't open up to very many people, so when I lose one of those friendships, it hurts a lot more than I am willing to admit. Especially when it is one of those people I have jumped oceans for. It makes me feel used. 

I know better than anyone that I won't stop caring too much. I can't just turn it off. Taking care of people is just part of who I am. What I wish I could learn to deal with better is how to handle the situation in a way that doesn't end with me being hurt... 

Onwards and upwards, right? Deal with the feelings, let it go and move on. That is what should happen, but it is easier said than done. *sigh* Some people have a therapist, I have a blog! It gets better. I am very aware of that fact. It is what keeps me going when I feel the worst. Eventually I will figure out why I was supposed to be close to that person at that particular moment in my life, even if I never stop missing the friendship itself. Accept what is gone and look forward.

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl

You had been at the forefront of my mind for a few weeks, and all of the sudden I looked at the calendar and realized your birthday was nearly here. It still seems impossible that you are gone. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that I will never again see your smile, hear your voice, and feel your arms around me in a hug. And you know what... it still sucks. A lot.

I just happened to be reading yesterday and this particular quote really resonated with me. "The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mold yourself through the gaps.” That is what you are my dear, a big Chante sized hole in my life. I'm learning to grow around it, learning to live with it whether I like it or not because it is always going to be part of who I am.

The truth is there are days I still just want to be sad. And days I just want to be angry and selfish about the whole situation. But sadness gets boring after a while... and I know being in that state of mind constantly would do nothing but disappoint you. So, instead of focusing on the sadness and anger I feel, I am going to do my best to find something beautiful that day. Try to see something good in that day that I wouldn't have ordinarily noticed. Just for you my sister. I miss you more than you could ever know. Love you sweet girl!!

Happy Monday and 5 Good Things

Haha!! I made it this week! Not that anyone really missed it last week, but I still hold myself accountable for it. My monday has gone well so far, pretty busy but there are far worse things than setting up shop in my favorite little corner of the world.

1. The move up to the mountains and the days following have went well. Weather is cold and a bit rainy, but it is nice to be in my home away from home. There is a sense of peace here that I haven't been able to find elsewhere.

2. Speaking of my home away from home... The lodges my cousins used to own and that I spent my summers at, are now employee housing for my current summer employment. I don't live there, but I was cleaning it for future residents earlier this week. As I was vacuuming I ran across my cousins names still written on the stairs. A name each step. I had completely forgotten about them and they'd have to have been there for over 30 years. Man, that was a blast from the past. I really need to get back over there and take pictures!

3. I actually managed to finish a book this week! Hurray!!! I made it through A Secret Kept by Tatiana de Rosnay. Not at all how I expected it to end. Interesting but a bit anticlimactic. I'm right in the middle of Girl on a Train right now. Its good, but I really don't care for the main characters. They make me angry. I still want to know what happens at the end, so I will push on. 

4. Matt came up to visit for a few days and we sat and watched Paddington with Rick. Adorable movie but the best part was Peter Capaldi, who plays Mr. Curry, who is also the current Doctor on Doctor Who. I am a big fat nerd. I also don't care. Watch it! It is a SUPER cute, feel good movie. 

5. Being up in here in the Sawtooths is a lot of fun. Even bad days are never 100% bad days. You have mountains and rivers, deer, antelope and elk, bald eagles, gorgeous sunrises and sunsets and the stars. The stars are the absolute best. Nothing compares. I also get to share this experience with some of my best friends. I am so used to being alone when I am not at work that being around friends is a bit of an adjustment. Clearly an adjustment I need, anyway. I'm excited for what the next few months have in store for me. Now if only trails would clear up so I can go get lost whenever I need!!

I'm not dead yet!

Where has time gone? Holy cow. Blink and you die its been 9 days since you've posted. Hmmm... what have I been up to? Boise Music Week and their production of Gypsy, that was a fun one. I programmed lights and called spots and projection. When I have a better internet connection I will post some photos.

We also had another death in the family, so I have been trying to wrap my head around that and dealing with making, and then breaking various plans to attend the funeral. Its been a rough few days in that regard. I will write more on that later. 

As soon as music week was over I packed up and moved to Stanley again for the summer. Its been a very busy few days packing, moving, unpacking, trying to get various parts of Smiley Creek ready to open next week. I might be a little tired. Just a smidge...

Apparently this post is jumping ALL over the place because now I want to mention seeing some friends while they were in town, right before I left. Andrew started at the theater when he was a wee little freshman. A degree and a few years later we have been fortunate to have kept in touch. Let me tell you what, he has grown up, and it is truly awesome to see. I've said this before but one of my favorite parts of this job is watching the handful of students we employ through their entire college career. We get to watch them go from fresh out of high school kids to adults finding their way in the world. They quite literally become different people before our very eyes. Its pretty amazing to now see them finding success in their jobs and personal lives. Okay, gushing over. Here are a few pictures of our former student Andrew and his lovely wife Katie with Jerrad, Matt and I. 

Social Anxiety

 I have had anxiety ever since I was in junior high. When I was young, I didn't recognize it as anxiety, and it wasn't until I was in high school that I approached my mom about it. I had no idea what triggered it then. I would only occasionally be woken up in the middle of the night with the muscles in my neck and back completely seized up. If I let it, that feeling grows down my arms and legs and it's miserable and it freaks me out. Back then I would wake up my mom, and she would rub my muscles until I calmed down enough to relax and get back to sleep. 

My anxiety has come and gone throughout my adult life, cropping up prior to getting on an air plane or going to the doctor, not ever really affecting me socially or professionally until this past year. In the past I've always found myself a part of several different circles of friends, and genuinely enjoy those friends and spending time with them. Now, however... I get those tight muscles in my shoulders, that feeling in the pit of my stomach, and can't breathe at the thought of being around more than 2-3 people. I attribute this new found social awkwardness to the aftermath following my sister and mothers death. For months afterward, as I was trying to move on and deal with reshaping my life around these two voids that were suddenly there, family friends and acquaintances approached my not interested in talking about anything BUT their deaths. I came to a point at which I was just done. I was done talking about it, rehashing it and reliving it every time I ran into someone. I started to feel uncomfortable in my own skin so I sought solitude.

Around this time I was provided an opportunity to work up in the Sawtooths. This opportunity gave me ample amounts of me-time. I didn't have to tell anyone why I was there or what I had been through, and I didn't have people asking me how I am with that look in their eye while simultaneously patting my back. It let me get through things in my head, figure out who I really am as well as who I'd like to be. During this time I was able to reflect on many friendships and figure out who I really wanted to be a part of my life and who I didn't. That there is a blog post for a different day... On quick trips home I was able to see my family and the few friends who I had kept close with little anxiety because I knew my time home was limited, and that I could retreat to my little calm quiet place where I could be all by myself again.

Once it was time to come back to work and home in Boise, it took some adjusting. I'm still adjusting really... It has taken finding a balance between work, friends, family and home. I've whittled my social engagements down quite a bit. I try to spend most of my time with the people who really know me because they understand that some days I am okay, and other days I'm in my head or need my space and they are OKAY with that. I've also learned that it is okay to walk away and remove myself from the situation or simply say no. I have to do what is best for me, even if it happens to be what isn't best for others.

It's frustrating feeling this way, it feels like a complete 180 from what my life used to be... but since it isn't magically going away, I'm finding the best thing to do is to learn to live and be productive with it.

Happy Monday and 5 Good Things

I'm writing this while on break during load in for Gypsy. Hopefully I actually finish this and get it posted before Monday is over. We had a fantastic Sunday off after a very long week. We were able to get most of our garden in, sprinklers set up, laundry done, groceries bought and was able to spend a bit of time on the couch enjoying our day off. That time on the couch was much needed. Now, I just need to make it through Gypsy and I can pack and leave for Stanley!! 7 days... I can do it!!! okay, moving on...  Here are 5 good things from my week!

 BOOKS!!!

Rick and I drove out to Nampa to check out a few used bookstores. I found more mini Shakespeare books!! Sadly, they didn't make it home with me this trip. They are om my wishlist though!!

Pretty feet happened...

I am not girly at all, so painting my toenails is a big thing you guys... Of course the event had to be documented!!


Texas Roadhouse

Matt and I finally got to catch up with our good friend Brenda, whose life is about as hectic as ours. Yummy food and great conversation is always a sure thing when getting together with her. I didn't get a photo of dinner, or us, or Brenda, but I did wear this Deathly Hallows nerd shirt so I am counting that. Don't judge me.


BBQ

We hosted our first big bbq of the year, and it was amazing. I clearly have been terrible at documenting things this last week. If I fire myself, can I go home? No? Okay, fine... We all ate, drank and were merry around the fire pit in the backyard. Afterwards a few of us went and sat the new Avengers movie... AAAHHHH it was amazing!!

All That's Jazz

 

For the first time ever we had Jazz night for Music Week. 6 different Boise jazz groups and they were all fantastic. Aside from a few attitudes, it really was a fun, albeit long experience. The concert itself lasted over 4 hours, but I got to listen to my high school choir teacher as part of one of the groups, so that made it all better. Hugs from Mama Schmidt are the best!