When I arrived in Boise a few days ago for a quick trip home I had a few things waiting for me in the mail. I knew my uncle had passed away, but seeing the memorial video and the program made it all real. Kind of sucks if I am being totally honest. He was a force of nature and fiercely protective of his family. He also had the most distinctive voice I have ever heard. I always knew when my grandma was talking to him on the phone because you could understand every word from 15 feet away :0)
His passing has also opened up a few old wounds. I am tired of losing people I love. I am tired of watching my grandma grieve. I'm tired of "weathering the storm." The thing about being the strong one that everyone leans on is that no one ever asks if you are okay. It is just implied that I am. It's a fair assumption most of the time, but there are occasionally days I wish someone would ask, and really care about the answer.
It is supposed to get easier. And I suppose some things are, but as soon as I overcome one struggle, I find another popping up. Right now I am terrified of forgetting. Forgetting certain memories, or the sound of their voices, the feel of their hands and the little quirks that made them unique. If I don't remember them as they truly were, who will? They can't. Everyone's impression of those people are a bit different, so keeping my memories of them alive is important to me. Meh... dealing with this sucks, but it isn't like I can just opt out of any of this.
I know I need to write these things down but the act of vividly remembering is scary. I don't like crying, and I know that sitting down and getting these stories out will hurt. Who know, perhaps this will be the place to jot down a memory now and again. Keep these people who were/are such an important part of who I am, alive.
Again, one day at a time.... right?!
Right.
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