I'm nominated!

 I've been nominated for a Liebster award (WHAT?!) Its crazy to me because I have always seen my blog as a place for me to mindlessly write, or word vomit, as a way of clearing my head and dealing with anxiety. Its been a place for me to tell my story my way, and my way of keeping my familys memory alive through words. To know that someone is inspired by my blog is pretty heartwarming.

I was chosen by the beautiful Catherine at Working with Bipolar who I found through Instagram. She is a beautifully honest writer. She is amazing! Thank you, you beautiful soul.

January 19

January 19th is kind of a dirty word in my home. I try my best to block out my experiences that day, but its kind of a fruitless effort. Its the day I watched my mom take her last breath. Its the day that CPR became a real thing. Its the day I heard the EMT say, "we've got her back" only to jump in the car, get to the hospital and be told that she didn't make it. She was done. Her body was tired, but my heart hurt... my best friend just left me. I remember walking out and standing outside the automatic doors at the entrance of the Emergency Room and I just couldn't breathe. I couldn't catch my breathe. I didn't cry then. I didn't cry for almost a year. I got to business breaking the news to everyone. Those are cries and wails you never forget. The hurt was so fresh because we'd suddenly lost our sister Chante just weeks before. We didn't have time to grieve one before being shocked by another.

Turning it into art

"Take that broken heart, and turn it into art."

-Carrie Fischer-

Its been a strange few months for me emotionally, winter always is. If I could skip December and January annually, I would. Being stuck in a weird head space and lacking the motivation or inspiration to write, yet needing to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard in this case) and letting the thought process pour out of you... It isn't a fun place to be, yet here I am! I can't even tell you how many times I opened up this page just to write a sentence and then proceed to sit and stare at the page until I get frustrated and walk away. The nearly blank entry just sitting there, silently mocking me like a big jerk. Hah! I am aware that is a very dramatic way of thinking... damn anxiety trolls... blarg.  

Random Musings of an Unfocused Mind.

All day I have felt the need to write. Felt the need to release something... I feel like I have an incredible amount of unfocused energy in my body and it isn't doing anything positive. In fact, I think about it, get overwhelmed and then shut down completely and get pretty down on myself.

Happy Monday and 5 Happy Things

Its another beautiful Monday!! Ready for 5 Happy Things?

 

The UK- London Calling

The flight from JFK to London was a red eye, so we all attempted to sleep and failed spectacularly. I spent my time watching a few movies and reading "Rising Strong" by Brene Brown. The quote above is a photo I took while reading on the plane. Some pretty meaningful stuff.


We were due to land around 8 or 9 in the morning, so we were just starting to fly over some western islands just as first light was appearing. You could barely make out the little slivers of land below. Eerily beautiful.

I distinctly remember the exact moment I started to recognize that we were actually flying over and about to land in London. England. Its a huge deal, especially for someone who has barely traveled outside the western half of her own country. London was something I had only dreamed about. The shot below is the Thames and reminds me a lot of The Eastenders. A British soap opera my mom used to religiously watch.

 As we were starting our descent I'm looking out the window at nondescript greenery and little towns with my headphones in, completely zoned out. I came to attention as Step Out from the Walter Mitty soundtrack came on. Anyone that knows me understands the great meaning that movie and its music holds for me. I'm listening to the words and I realize that the river I'm looking at is the Thames... the music crescendos and then I saw the Tower Bridge. Then The London Eye. Then Big Ben and Parliament. 

I nearly cried you guys. It was kind of this defining moment in my journey where things came together to create the most beautiful chain of moments. And strangely, with the addition of the song, I knew my mom was there with me. Not at all in the capacity I wanted her to be there... but it did bring me some measure of comfort. 

We landed and made our way quite easily through customs and baggage claim, picked up our rental car and then somehow, by all that is good in the universe, we drove about 60 miles to our AirBnB. I don't think I will ever get used to being on the other side of the road... and I don;t think there will ever be enough anxiety medication for me to be a comfortable navigator/passenger. It was a little rough, but we made it!!

We were staying about 10 miles south of the heart of London in a little area called Hither Green. Adorable little area in my opinion. Picturesque little town pub called The Station is very near the train station. Its the kind of architecture you think is only in books and movies... but its everywhere.

Our house was about half a mile from the train station so traveling to and from London was super easy. The home we stayed at was at the end of a row of brownstone townhouses with adorable gardens. Ours had a sunroom that was super comfortable to drink coffee and eat breakfast in, even in January. The host was the most gracious woman named Susan. We emailed back and forth and she was very happy to answer all of our touristy questions. When we return to London, we will most definitely try to get this place again. You can see more photos of this place HERE

The day wasn't over yet!!  We unpacked and grabbed real fish and chips with curry sauce from a kind of sketchy looking little shop with the most adorable little old man. I was a little nervous ordering, but as I watched him prepare our food from scratch, and then tasted it... I was sold. Don't judge a book by its cover. To this day, I still dream about that curry sauce.

We then walked down to the station and hopped on a train to spend the last few hours of daylight wandering around London a bit.

 

I don't remember why I was scowling, but it isn't an accurate representation of how I felt... I was ecstatic. Its also a bit overwhelming. You get off of the train station and are surrounded by about 30 things you want to see and do all within a mile radius. We really were just trying to get a feel for the city, get our bearings a bit. 

 

 The City is full of history, with little monuments and artistic elements built throughout is long, rich history.  I believe that these City of London dragons with shields were added throughout the city in 1994. You will find touches like that everywhere... Roses added to park benches for one of the many Queens Jubilee, stamps into the sidewalk, symbols on light posts... Its proof that there is a lot of people who deeply care about their city, and have for as long as its been a city.

Iconic sign for the London Underground. Right after taking this photo, we actually ran into someone from Boise proving that after all, the world can still be a very small place.

Dinner was at The Walrus and The Carpenter Named after Lewis Carroll. Meat pies and local brews for all!! We then ended up wandering towards the Tower of London, (which was closed by the time we got there) and the Tower Bridge. Its everything you imagine and more.

As we crossed the bridge to get to our train station, we stopped and took a few London cityscape shots... and then just stood for a while and took it all in. Such a beautiful, special place for me.

The BIG Trip- New York

I knew quite a long time ago that on the anniversary of my moms death, I wanted to do something big every year. I wanted to spend the day celebrating her, and her memory, and experiencing something new and exciting that she never got to do. 

Happy Monday and 5 Good Things

Its been a crazy busy week. Good kind of crazy busy week though. The kind of busy you are grateful for. helps you navigate the everyday stresses (and the not so every day ones.) Here are a few bright spots in my week.

1. I accepted a last minute stage management gig for the opera. What an experience. We were all brought in pretty last minute from all over the united states. Fortunately we all just clicked, trudged forward and staged an opera. In an airplane hangar. Yep... an airplane hangar. The stage was about 20 feet from a DEA jet with a CRAZY expensive night vision camera. It was awesome! Aside from the fact that is was an incredibly sad opera (Glory Denied-about Americas longest held POW) I am truly grateful to have met some really, really great people who I hope to be able to collaborate with again someday.

2. During my one day off this week, I got the opportunity to finish a painting I'd been working on for a few weeks. I don't think I am quite done with it, but I am happy with the progress.

 

3. Before work one day we decided to sneak out as a family and enjoy a bit of nature. We walked a few miles along the river on the greenbelt. I feel terrible when we all work so much that its nice to be able to get the dogs out.

 

4. I made time to get some baking done. Kitchen time is always a little therapeutic, especially when you get to use 3 generations of cookie cutters. Pictured are cutters owned by my mom, grandma and great grandmother. 

5. Today actually, even though I felt pretty terrible most of the day, we took advantage of an evening off and went to Lucky Peak. The weather was gorgeous! I am SO ready for summer...

Happy Monday and Ten Good Things

Its a MONDAY!!

As I write, I'm stage managing an opera, in an airplane hangar. Bringing together people from all over the country to tell a story. Combining creative efforts to turn an hangar into an acceptable performance venue. Its quite the process, and its been powerful to watch it all come together to be able to tell an incredibly moving story.
 

Speaking of writing, I find that I have an ever evolving relationship with it. Depends heavily upon the state of my mind. I write what is on my mind and heart, and sometimes facing that is a lot easier said than done. I can't promise consistency. But I can say I've missed this little space. 

So, ten good things about the last several months since I showed my face around here...

1. A few more months of mountain living happened. Backpacking, trips to the lake, breathtaking sunsets and day hikes until the first snow fell. I feel like we milked every last second we had up there.

 






2. Mental health trip to Salt Lake, Vegas and Zions- Took a little time for myself and visited family in friends and family in Salt Lake. A few weeks later brought me to Vegas to spend some time with friends, and then a few days camping and hiking in Zions.










3. Thanksgiving Break in Portland- Matt and I met our sister/friend Katie in Portland and explored, read, ate and drank our way through the town while planning our future trip to the UK.





4. Christmas- This one was hard. We lost my grandma the week prior, so celebrating was really, really hard. The tree was up, but it didn't ever get decorated. But we made due. 



5. New Years in Seattle- I joined some friends for a week and rang in the new year on a boat on the Puget Sound watching fireworks being set off from the Space Needle. Amazing.







6. UK trip- This deserves its own series of posts, and I will get there. Promise :0)


7. Reno! I make the trip not for the city itself, but to visit some very dear to me friends. When you've experienced a lot of loss, you close your heart. I have a few I still let in, and they know how special they are to me. Unfortunately, most of them live elsewhere in the country.



8. Winter Escape- We found ourselves in the Sawtooths for a weekend this March and it was exactly what we needed.




9. Learning our new family Normal- With the death of my grandma, Matt and I became guardians of my aunt. She lives with us permanently and it has definitly changed our family dynamic. We have had to redefine what our "normal" is. More on that later as well



 

10. Feeling the BERN! What a crazy year it has been politically and it is only April. We are proud to support Bernie Sanders and were able to attend a rally and hear him speak, then participate in Idahos record shattering democratic caucus. What an experience!