January 19

January 19th is kind of a dirty word in my home. I try my best to block out my experiences that day, but its kind of a fruitless effort. Its the day I watched my mom take her last breath. Its the day that CPR became a real thing. Its the day I heard the EMT say, "we've got her back" only to jump in the car, get to the hospital and be told that she didn't make it. She was done. Her body was tired, but my heart hurt... my best friend just left me. I remember walking out and standing outside the automatic doors at the entrance of the Emergency Room and I just couldn't breathe. I couldn't catch my breathe. I didn't cry then. I didn't cry for almost a year. I got to business breaking the news to everyone. Those are cries and wails you never forget. The hurt was so fresh because we'd suddenly lost our sister Chante just weeks before. We didn't have time to grieve one before being shocked by another.

Random Musings of an Unfocused Mind.

All day I have felt the need to write. Felt the need to release something... I feel like I have an incredible amount of unfocused energy in my body and it isn't doing anything positive. In fact, I think about it, get overwhelmed and then shut down completely and get pretty down on myself.

Happy Monday and 5 Happy Things

Its another beautiful Monday!! Ready for 5 Happy Things?

 

Bryce Canyon National Park

It's very strange to say you feel rooted to an area you've never lived. But for me, its the truth.

The BIG Trip- New York

I knew quite a long time ago that on the anniversary of my moms death, I wanted to do something big every year. I wanted to spend the day celebrating her, and her memory, and experiencing something new and exciting that she never got to do. 

To see the world...

2016 has been quite a year... A lot of travel, a lot of work, a lot of love and heart ache and finding a new normal that works for us. And before it ends really wanted to start documenting my travels, mostly for my own benefit. You know, before they all become a blur.

From a Motherless Child on Mothers Day

This is the third Mothers Day I've endured without a mom to celebrate it with. Not a foreign feeling, but today is also a little different. The last two I still had a motherly figure in the form of my grandma. This is the first year that I want to completely ignore today. I don't want it to exist. I have dreaded it for weeks.

Connectivity

Connecting to people is something I have decided that I am terrible at. Not because I don't want to, I honestly think its a self preservation thing. It isn't just in my every day dealings with humans... I have definitely isolated myself, distanced my self from the memory of my family.

To See The World...

Anyone who really knows is aware that The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is a special movie for me. For those that don't know, it was the last movie I saw with my mom. She loved to travel and be adventurous but was sidelined because of life. Kids, health, parents health. Everything else took priority. After we saw this movie she really wanted to change things for herself. Wanted to see things, meet people, go to the places where our family if from. She was really, really passionate about making it happen. About 2 weeks later she died. 

This past weekend I had TERRIBLE allergies and pretty much didn't leave the house for 2 days. I came across this documentary and of course binge watched it. Its called The Long Way Round starring Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman. They go on a 20,000 mile motorcycle trek from London through eastern Europe and Russian, flying to Alaska through the Canada and the US ending in New York. Everyone should watch it, and the follow up doc Long Way Down.










 This little documentary re-lit that fire that was started in those discussions I had with my mom. It was incredibly inspiring, and it made me realize how much of not only this country we live we miss seeing, but the world. Its huge, and beautiful and full of people and experiences that we are missing out on because we are worried about facebook, and selfies and twitter. I read a quote today that romanticizes my feeling a bit, but accurately describes it... "I'm in love with places I've never been to and people I've never met." I wonder how our perspective would change if we longed for new experiences, new relationships with people and new places the way we longed for new phones and gadgets and selfie sticks. Our day to day focus is very narrow, and very sad.

I came to the realization this past year that if I didn't just jump in and make things happen, they were forever going to stay on my bucket list. Being happy shouldn't be so complicated. At any rate, I have made it my goal to travel more. I want to surround myself with new experiences, and cultures. I want to meet people. There are places I want to be for my mom, but I'm not doing it just for her. I am doing it for myself, and probably dragging Matt along for the ride. We've made tentative plans for a trip in January 2016 and I'm super excited about it!! I'm not going to divulge where just yet. We will see how things go in the next couple weeks. In the meantime....

March According to Instagram

Juggling two jobs sometimes makes me forget what happened last month, or last week. (Okay fine, 5 minutes ago... shh... don't judge) Thank goodness I actually post to instagram occasionally otherwise I'd completely forget things like celebrating my wedding anniversary! Here's what happened in my world in March.

 

Matt and I celebrated 9 years... thats nearly a decade of being together! I may or may not feel old. But at least we feel old together!

Tattoos happened. Again. Yay Friday the 13 tattoo sales!

I got a new haircut which I love. Never thought I would buzz any part of my head. I attribute it to my "be bold" resolution. 

Treefort! Theres so much I don't like about this music festival, but it is good people watching, and we did hit up a few one off performances. 

I skied!! Never, ever, ever thought that would happened. Be brave!!

Matt came up to the Sawtooths in the days after we closed Smiley Creek for the winter. Much plaing in the snow happened in a few short days and it was fantastic.

Mamma Mia came through The Morrison Center. I have a very soft spot for that show and Abba in general so I of course loved it. Vic and I never miss a silly face photo op. 

While Matt was up with me, We skied back to Redfish Lake and walked around. Even little Piper loved it.