January 19th is kind of a dirty word in my home. I try my best to block out my experiences that day, but its kind of a fruitless effort. Its the day I watched my mom take her last breath. Its the day that CPR became a real thing. Its the day I heard the EMT say, "we've got her back" only to jump in the car, get to the hospital and be told that she didn't make it. She was done. Her body was tired, but my heart hurt... my best friend just left me. I remember walking out and standing outside the automatic doors at the entrance of the Emergency Room and I just couldn't breathe. I couldn't catch my breathe. I didn't cry then. I didn't cry for almost a year. I got to business breaking the news to everyone. Those are cries and wails you never forget. The hurt was so fresh because we'd suddenly lost our sister Chante just weeks before. We didn't have time to grieve one before being shocked by another.
That was the worst day of my life, and that isn't the point of this post. I never want to relive that day, ever again. I knew long before the anniversary came around that I refused to be home that day. I didn't want to remember her in death. I wanted to remember her in life. She had such an adventurous spirit, I chose to celebrate that. There was so much she hoped to accomplish later in life. A lot of it we wanted to do together, but we fell hard into the we will do it "someday" category. It was always lack of time or money.
Losing so much in so little a time made me do a complete 180. I look at everything differently. You don't know what day will be your last. If you always wait for the "right time" to present itself, you very well could be waiting forever.
MAKE IT HAPPEN.
And I did.
The first anniversary we celebrated her in her favorite little corner of
the world. We snowmobiled most of the day near Smiley Creek in the
Sawtooth Mountains.As we were on the snow that day, I was already making
plans for something epic the next year.
In planning our trip to the UK, I kind of went balls to the wall and
told my travel buddies that I am going, You can either join me or enjoy
my photos. Either make it happen or don't. Unsurprisingly, they made it
happen and Matt and Katie and I enjoyed 2 amazing weeks running around
that giant island.
January 19th that year saw us driving out of Wales and straight to the
Harry Potter Experience at Leavesden Studios outside of London. I can't
think of anything more fitting to do to celebrate her (our) nerdiness.
There wasn't even one minute that I didn't wish my
mom was with me, but thats kind of how I view every new experience
anymore. Going to London was one of my moms biggest dreams and it hurts
my heart that she didn't make it. Everyone will tell you that she was
there with me, and in a sense, yes... she was. But I wanted her standing
next to me, flesh and blood. I wanted to see the wonder in her eyes at
seeing things we'd only ever admired in pictures, feel her hand holding mine as we shared a moment. Its very selfish of me
to complain about that, but there is a big part of me that wants to say
fuck it, my feelings are valid.
In 2017 we went back to a smaller low key Idahome adventure. A few really dear to my heart friends joined us for hot springs and snow shoeing in Garden Valley. We got so much snow last year it was nuts, and absolutely gorgeous. Swimming, and laughing in the dark in gloriously warm water while it is snowing is a pretty special experience that I won't forget.
This year was another pretty special one. We enjoyed a very long weekend near Moab and explored Arches and Canyonlands National Parks. There are a few places in this world that I feel strangely tied to. My family has always been really into genealogy. My grandad made sure that from a very young age, we knew where we came from. Family history was something my mom was extremely proud of. My family was part of the pioneers that settled this part of the west. I was lucky enough to have my great grandad around until I was 16. When I was between the ages of 6 and 12 we drove to Arizona every other summer to pick him up and bring him back to Boise to spend the summer with us, and the rest of the family he had in the area. On those long days in the car he filled the time by telling stories about driving cattle as a young man through these red rock canyons, trips him and those who came before him took through Utah, Colorado, Arizona and New Mexico. So.... long story short, I feel very connected to that bit of earth.
On the 19th this year I was having a hard time getting going. I just wasn't in the right head space and not very motivated at all. I'd never really explored Arches and I wanted to be excited, but being there without my family left me feeling kind disconnected. I was hiking with Matt and his brother Adam whom I adore, and I will forever be grateful that they didn't make a big deal about me hiking ahead or behind and just let me alone with my thoughts.
The first thing we did was drive to the trail head for Delicate Arch. It was the longest trail on the list of hikes we wanted to do in the park so we wanted to get it out of the way first. I think the universe really just decided that we were gonna need the most amount of time there. Nothing prepared me for rounding that corner and seeing this big, beautiful, iconic landscape. I wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time... for no other reason that it was a gorgeous arch, in a gorgeous place on a gorgeous day. Another adventure I wish I could have shared with my mom, but what a wonderful place to celebrate her, and remember our family who came her before us. It was definitely the kind of moment I needed, and it put me on the path to enjoy the rest of the week with my boys.
My mom didn't look the adventurous type, especially in her last few years, but she was. Its where I got it from. I remember looking through photo albums of her in her early 20s when she jumped on a flight and explored Paris and Switzerland with very little thought. With kids and marriage her dreams became grounded and life became a little hard now and again. It stopped being about her dreams and started being about what her kids, husband or family needed. As great as she was about being a nurturing parent, she always had that little spark hiding below the surface. I had planned on working really hard and saving enough to take her somewhere amazing, but I waited to long. The last movie we saw together was Walter Mitty. She wanted that crazy, spontaneous adventure for herself and she wanted it for us too. I wish we would have realized that life was short much earlier... but I am pretty determined to continue my adventurous life carrying a candle for the woman who inspires me every day to see the world, things dangerous to come, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other and to feel.
Because that is the purpose of life.
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