Happy Monday and 5 Happy Things

Its another beautiful Monday!! Ready for 5 Happy Things?

 

Central Park

I realize that I am jumping all over the place. I have a lot I want to document, and there is a lot of sorting and organizing of the UK trip photos that still needs to be done. Instead of putting this on hold, I am going to forge a head and finish one of the other dozen posts I have planned. Too many travel photos to go through... Very much a first world problem, right? So, forging ahead!

Don't be a dick...

 

I feel a bit judged lately. Comments to my face. Things said behind my back. I should be "over it" or "back to normal" by now. It's time to speak up, so that I can move on.  It has been an interesting few years, and its left me changed. I get stuck in my own head. I get a bit down on the inside. I’m more quiet than I used to be. Not everyone likes the me I am now. "Judgy." To be totally honest, I would like to see every one of those people live just part of what I have gone through and try to come out the other end unchanged. In fact, I dare you.

Let me break it down for you. A little over two years ago life was calm. It was simple and quiet. It was easy. My family was cohesive, happy… I took it for granted, really. A few days before Christmas that year my sister was killed in a car accident. It wasn’t our first experience losing a family member unexpectedly, but that doesn’t make it any less devastating. A month later in January my mom died. Again, totally and completely unexpectedly. She was my best friend… The rug was pulled out from underneath what was left of my little family unit and our lives changed dramatically. We became a primary caregivers to my grandmother and my handicapped aunt. That includes meals, paying bills, grocery shopping, home maintenance... everything. A few short months ago I held my grandmothers hand as she took her last breath and then became my aunts guardian. She has since moved in with me.

I essentially have a 64 year old who will forever have the mentality of a 6 year old. To say co-habitating with her has been an adjustment is an understatement. While we were moving her into her new home, I was simultaneously emptying her old one to surrender to the bank. Going through 60 years worth of items that represent the grandparents I used to have, the parents I used to have, the family I used to have. Every item, every dish, every photo, every brick of that home is a memory of a life that died with my family. Aside from my aunt, I am the last of my immediate family. There is no one else. No more family dinners. No more celebrating mothers day with a matriarch, no one to retell family stories. If it isn't remembered by me, its gone. Let me tell you, that brings a whole new meaning to the word alone.

So…. tell me I don’t have a right to be down. Tell me I shouldn’t retreat into my own head sometimes. Tell me not to feel sorry for myself sometimes. I didn’t ask for any of this.

I’ve learned a few things during these experiences. Its okay to be angry. It’s okay to have bad days. Its okay to hate the world, the universe, whatever higher power you believe in for taking so much away from you. 

Reading this you might think that I have become overwhelmingly negative as a result…. but you know what else I have done in these two years? I have lived. I have done more, and experienced more in the last two years than I did in the 10 years prior. I stopped caring so much what others thought of my thoughts and actions and started living life for me. I’ve lived in the mountains in a little cabin I worked for and got by myself. I’ve hiked over 100 miles every summer. Seen parts of the mountains of Idaho I never thought I would see. I’ve backpacked in the rain, and in the snow and slept under the stars by myself. I’ve snowmobiled up to abandoned mines. Walked the entire Las Vegas Strip deep in conversation with my best friend. I have watched New Years fireworks shoot off of the Space Needle from a boat in the middle of the sound. Swam through a canyon fully clothed to get to a waterfall. Strolled hand in hand on a beach on both sides of the Atlantic and the West coast. I’ve been tattooed in Scotland. I’ve hidden notes in books of poetry for people I love at Powells books in Portland. I’ve seen a few Broadway show and experienced the 9/11 memorial in NYC. I’ve survived a “snowmageddon” in Washington DC. Ran and jumped into someones arms on a street corner in Salt Lake. Played piano with homeless woman and also ran half a mile at 1 in the morning in Denver. Ran in the rain with my love after a concert in Seattle. I’ve touched castles in Wales built by my family and visited tombs of my forefathers in London. I rolled my truck on an icy highway in January then walked to work. I hiked The Narrows in Zion, and viewed Bryce Canyon from the canyon floor. Ive touched 1000 year old sequoias and eaten dinner on the banks of the Merced River at the base of El Cap in Yosemite. I walked the entire length of Manhattan from top to bottom, watched the sun set sitting on the banks of the Hudson and listened to my favorite classical music while getting lost in Central Park. I saw real Van Gogh and Monet paintings and ate amazing food with friends in LA. I've allowed more spontaneity in my life(and subsequently my husbands whether he likes it or not :0)) than ever before. I’ve traveled more in the last year than I have in 20 years.

As much as I have loved everything I have seen and experienced, I do wish I was doing it with my family by my side. Part of me knows that my life never would have jump started like this had I not lost them... The other part of me thinks that maybe despite it all, they would be standing by my side and I could see the look on their faces when witnessing London for the first time.  But, it isn't my reality. Reality is me, taking my memories of them with me wherever I go. I will never stop imagining a hand in mine that will never physically be there again... but they go with me. I hope I have made them proud.

I have loved more fiercely than I ever dared. My circle of friends has shrunk, but my love for the few I have left has increased ten fold. I have reconnected with a few I’d lost touch with. My nearest and dearest all live hundreds of miles away, which has only given me the chance to travel more often. Life has afforded me the opportunity to love, and be loved by more than I realize. Even if I knew that I would have my heart broken, knew these connections would end in hurt, I wouldn’t change my decision to be in these relationships at this time in my life. I would never give up the chance to love and be loved as fully and wholeheartedly as I have the last few months. This last year has taught me to love myself, and my body, and the people around me so much more than I thought possible. Humans have SUCH incredible hearts, and what you can do with that love once you decide to not limit it is amazing. I want to feel like this forever, and maybe I will… but I know that no matter what happens, I will always cherish these times. It is what has gotten me through.

So, at the end of all of this I want those who have judged me to look me in the eye and tell me I’ve a bad attitude. Tell me I am negative. Tell me I have let the world, and death beat me. Walk a few steps in my shoes next time before you form your opinions. I might retreat into my head and feel sorry for myself, I might pull away, I might get overcome with anxiety from time to time because I am afraid of losing everything I hold dear and I will never, ever, for one second stop missing my family… but I have never and will never let it stop me from living and experiencing and loving my life.

Happy Monday and 5 good things

Y'all thought I forgot about it didn't you! Ha! I am full of surprises. I am also biding time waiting to go to work and have been up since well, I am not sure I ever went to sleep to be honest. We had a log-sawer move in a few days ago. For the record, super nice guy... but I am trying real hard to come up with a way to not hear the snoring but also let myself sleep without taking nyquil. Le sigh... I feel like this is a first world problem, but whatever. I think we should talk about 5 good things that occurred this last week.

Happy Monday and 5 Good Things

I'm writing this while on break during load in for Gypsy. Hopefully I actually finish this and get it posted before Monday is over. We had a fantastic Sunday off after a very long week. We were able to get most of our garden in, sprinklers set up, laundry done, groceries bought and was able to spend a bit of time on the couch enjoying our day off. That time on the couch was much needed. Now, I just need to make it through Gypsy and I can pack and leave for Stanley!! 7 days... I can do it!!! okay, moving on...  Here are 5 good things from my week!

 BOOKS!!!

Rick and I drove out to Nampa to check out a few used bookstores. I found more mini Shakespeare books!! Sadly, they didn't make it home with me this trip. They are om my wishlist though!!

Pretty feet happened...

I am not girly at all, so painting my toenails is a big thing you guys... Of course the event had to be documented!!


Texas Roadhouse

Matt and I finally got to catch up with our good friend Brenda, whose life is about as hectic as ours. Yummy food and great conversation is always a sure thing when getting together with her. I didn't get a photo of dinner, or us, or Brenda, but I did wear this Deathly Hallows nerd shirt so I am counting that. Don't judge me.


BBQ

We hosted our first big bbq of the year, and it was amazing. I clearly have been terrible at documenting things this last week. If I fire myself, can I go home? No? Okay, fine... We all ate, drank and were merry around the fire pit in the backyard. Afterwards a few of us went and sat the new Avengers movie... AAAHHHH it was amazing!!

All That's Jazz

 

For the first time ever we had Jazz night for Music Week. 6 different Boise jazz groups and they were all fantastic. Aside from a few attitudes, it really was a fun, albeit long experience. The concert itself lasted over 4 hours, but I got to listen to my high school choir teacher as part of one of the groups, so that made it all better. Hugs from Mama Schmidt are the best!

 

Happy Monday and 5 Good Things

Oh my goodness guys... three weeks in a row. This will probably be a personal best. Just sayin in case you get your hopes up. Another busy week survived! Hooray! The only downside to this week was the intense amount of pollen in the air. Allergies have been insane this week leaving me with WAY too many not so nice headaches. On the plus side, today marks two weeks until I leave for Stanley and cleaner air! 

Because it was such a busy week, it was quite easy to find 5 good things...

1. Linner!!

All three of us, Jerrad, Matt and I, had an impromptu afternoon off so we actually had time to make a proper late lunch, early dinner. Hence, Linner!! We made eggplant parmesan with butternut triangioli (fancy word for triangle ravioli), an awesome salad with blue cheese, blackberries and candied walnuts and rosemary bacon chipotle bread. It was A-MA-ZING!!!

2. Surprise packages

Several weeks ago I donated to John Barrowmans No Hate campaign and wasn't expecting to see the tank top I ordered for another few weeks. Seeing this on Tuesday really made my day. I will gladly wear it with pride all summer!! 

3. Music Week

Rehearsals started quite a while ago for the actors. The technicians were finally able to attend a few of them this last week in order to get map out light cues and make notes for follow spot pickups. The creative process, starting from words on paper and turning them into a show complete with lights, sound, sets and actors is what I love most about my job. With touring shows we don't get to be such an integral part of the process very often, so participating in Music Week is quite a treat! I'm looking forward to getting it onstage a week from today and seeing what it becomes. 

4. Reckless Kelly

Reckless Kelly is a fun country band we had come into our theater on Friday. They claim Texas as their home now, but the two brothers that front the band are originally from Stanley. Small world, right? Above is a photo of on of their merch cases. It was fun to see stickers from a few of my other favorite obscure country bands like Mickey and the Motorcars (also have ties to the Stanley area) and The Crooks. Both bands that you should check out if you don't know who they are. Especially The Crooks!!

5. Nature

One of the best things about working on campus is having the river so close. It is always nice to be able to grab a quick lunch much needed coffee and head down to the river just to get away and clear your head for a few minutes. Its also useful when you need to blow off a bit of steam or stretch your legs to hop on the greenbelt and walk for as long as necessary. Thank you nature for being there when I need you!!

Bonus!!!

6. Fork and OK GO

We had a much needed night out with friends last night that started out with dinner at Fork, which was as usual, fantastic. We then walked over to the Knitting Factory and enjoyed one of the best concerts I've seen in a while. Superb job Ok Go! I would definitely pay to see them again. It was so nice to spend some time with a few of my favorite people at such a crazy fun concert.