Happy Monday and 5 Good Things

Happy Holidays! 

Random Musings of an Unfocused Mind.

All day I have felt the need to write. Felt the need to release something... I feel like I have an incredible amount of unfocused energy in my body and it isn't doing anything positive. In fact, I think about it, get overwhelmed and then shut down completely and get pretty down on myself.

Happy Monday and 5 Happy Things

Its another beautiful Monday!! Ready for 5 Happy Things?

 

Happy Monday and 5 Good Things

Its been a little while since I did a Happy Monday post, what the hell, right? 

Bryce Canyon National Park

It's very strange to say you feel rooted to an area you've never lived. But for me, its the truth.

Central Park

I realize that I am jumping all over the place. I have a lot I want to document, and there is a lot of sorting and organizing of the UK trip photos that still needs to be done. Instead of putting this on hold, I am going to forge a head and finish one of the other dozen posts I have planned. Too many travel photos to go through... Very much a first world problem, right? So, forging ahead!

The UK- London Calling

The flight from JFK to London was a red eye, so we all attempted to sleep and failed spectacularly. I spent my time watching a few movies and reading "Rising Strong" by Brene Brown. The quote above is a photo I took while reading on the plane. Some pretty meaningful stuff.


We were due to land around 8 or 9 in the morning, so we were just starting to fly over some western islands just as first light was appearing. You could barely make out the little slivers of land below. Eerily beautiful.

I distinctly remember the exact moment I started to recognize that we were actually flying over and about to land in London. England. Its a huge deal, especially for someone who has barely traveled outside the western half of her own country. London was something I had only dreamed about. The shot below is the Thames and reminds me a lot of The Eastenders. A British soap opera my mom used to religiously watch.

 As we were starting our descent I'm looking out the window at nondescript greenery and little towns with my headphones in, completely zoned out. I came to attention as Step Out from the Walter Mitty soundtrack came on. Anyone that knows me understands the great meaning that movie and its music holds for me. I'm listening to the words and I realize that the river I'm looking at is the Thames... the music crescendos and then I saw the Tower Bridge. Then The London Eye. Then Big Ben and Parliament. 

I nearly cried you guys. It was kind of this defining moment in my journey where things came together to create the most beautiful chain of moments. And strangely, with the addition of the song, I knew my mom was there with me. Not at all in the capacity I wanted her to be there... but it did bring me some measure of comfort. 

We landed and made our way quite easily through customs and baggage claim, picked up our rental car and then somehow, by all that is good in the universe, we drove about 60 miles to our AirBnB. I don't think I will ever get used to being on the other side of the road... and I don;t think there will ever be enough anxiety medication for me to be a comfortable navigator/passenger. It was a little rough, but we made it!!

We were staying about 10 miles south of the heart of London in a little area called Hither Green. Adorable little area in my opinion. Picturesque little town pub called The Station is very near the train station. Its the kind of architecture you think is only in books and movies... but its everywhere.

Our house was about half a mile from the train station so traveling to and from London was super easy. The home we stayed at was at the end of a row of brownstone townhouses with adorable gardens. Ours had a sunroom that was super comfortable to drink coffee and eat breakfast in, even in January. The host was the most gracious woman named Susan. We emailed back and forth and she was very happy to answer all of our touristy questions. When we return to London, we will most definitely try to get this place again. You can see more photos of this place HERE

The day wasn't over yet!!  We unpacked and grabbed real fish and chips with curry sauce from a kind of sketchy looking little shop with the most adorable little old man. I was a little nervous ordering, but as I watched him prepare our food from scratch, and then tasted it... I was sold. Don't judge a book by its cover. To this day, I still dream about that curry sauce.

We then walked down to the station and hopped on a train to spend the last few hours of daylight wandering around London a bit.

 

I don't remember why I was scowling, but it isn't an accurate representation of how I felt... I was ecstatic. Its also a bit overwhelming. You get off of the train station and are surrounded by about 30 things you want to see and do all within a mile radius. We really were just trying to get a feel for the city, get our bearings a bit. 

 

 The City is full of history, with little monuments and artistic elements built throughout is long, rich history.  I believe that these City of London dragons with shields were added throughout the city in 1994. You will find touches like that everywhere... Roses added to park benches for one of the many Queens Jubilee, stamps into the sidewalk, symbols on light posts... Its proof that there is a lot of people who deeply care about their city, and have for as long as its been a city.

Iconic sign for the London Underground. Right after taking this photo, we actually ran into someone from Boise proving that after all, the world can still be a very small place.

Dinner was at The Walrus and The Carpenter Named after Lewis Carroll. Meat pies and local brews for all!! We then ended up wandering towards the Tower of London, (which was closed by the time we got there) and the Tower Bridge. Its everything you imagine and more.

As we crossed the bridge to get to our train station, we stopped and took a few London cityscape shots... and then just stood for a while and took it all in. Such a beautiful, special place for me.

The Bringers of Light

 

My heart was heavy as I went to sleep last night after watching as the country elected Donald Trump as president. My heart was even more heavy as I woke up this morning and saw how deeply affected and scared people I care for are. Scared for their safety, jobs and status as American citizens. Light is slowly being shed in the form of little shreds of hope. Hilary actually won the popular vote, so I'm not alone. I am willing to stand up and love and protect those whose rights may be oppressed under the leadership of one of the most hateful people to ever be elected president. I am not alone in this fight for right. 

A very dear friend, Jennifer Wilhelmi wrote her thoughts out very early this morning, and they are exactly what I needed to read, and what I feel I need to share with my fellow Bringers of Light.

And a great and terrible darkness covered the land.

It was cold and lifeless and infused with pain and suffering.

The land was no longer friendly or safe.

Out of this darkness came the Bringers of Light.

A million strong, ten million strong. 

They carried the light of promise

They carried the light of wisdom

They carried the light of peace and gratitude

They carried the light of compassion and love.

They were legion, with hands and hearts joined.

They came together from all corners of the earth,

From every race and creed

From every cut and cloth

They were the tapestry of the New Earth.

Into the Valley of the Shadow they came

Fear and ignorance stepped aside as they came.

They were the Bringers of the Light, the creators of the New Earth

They brought acceptance and togetherness

They brought health and prosperity.

They gave freely of their light, It would never dim.

And the darkness fell away before the light

And the darkness fell away before the love and the beauty.

And the darkness fell away before the peace and prosperity

And the light shown brightly for a thousand years.

The BIG Trip- New York

I knew quite a long time ago that on the anniversary of my moms death, I wanted to do something big every year. I wanted to spend the day celebrating her, and her memory, and experiencing something new and exciting that she never got to do. 

To see the world...

2016 has been quite a year... A lot of travel, a lot of work, a lot of love and heart ache and finding a new normal that works for us. And before it ends really wanted to start documenting my travels, mostly for my own benefit. You know, before they all become a blur.

Nature defined...

 

It's contentment.

It’s where you’ll have the best sleep of your life. There really is nothing like being perfectly warm and listening to the soft pitter-patter of rain drops on canvas.

It’s nostalgia...

Happy Monday and 5 Good Things

Despite my feelings about yesterdays holiday, it really has been a pretty good week!

From a Motherless Child on Mothers Day

This is the third Mothers Day I've endured without a mom to celebrate it with. Not a foreign feeling, but today is also a little different. The last two I still had a motherly figure in the form of my grandma. This is the first year that I want to completely ignore today. I don't want it to exist. I have dreaded it for weeks.

Connectivity

Connecting to people is something I have decided that I am terrible at. Not because I don't want to, I honestly think its a self preservation thing. It isn't just in my every day dealings with humans... I have definitely isolated myself, distanced my self from the memory of my family.

Happy Monday and 5 Good Things

Its been a crazy busy week. Good kind of crazy busy week though. The kind of busy you are grateful for. helps you navigate the everyday stresses (and the not so every day ones.) Here are a few bright spots in my week.

1. I accepted a last minute stage management gig for the opera. What an experience. We were all brought in pretty last minute from all over the united states. Fortunately we all just clicked, trudged forward and staged an opera. In an airplane hangar. Yep... an airplane hangar. The stage was about 20 feet from a DEA jet with a CRAZY expensive night vision camera. It was awesome! Aside from the fact that is was an incredibly sad opera (Glory Denied-about Americas longest held POW) I am truly grateful to have met some really, really great people who I hope to be able to collaborate with again someday.

2. During my one day off this week, I got the opportunity to finish a painting I'd been working on for a few weeks. I don't think I am quite done with it, but I am happy with the progress.

 

3. Before work one day we decided to sneak out as a family and enjoy a bit of nature. We walked a few miles along the river on the greenbelt. I feel terrible when we all work so much that its nice to be able to get the dogs out.

 

4. I made time to get some baking done. Kitchen time is always a little therapeutic, especially when you get to use 3 generations of cookie cutters. Pictured are cutters owned by my mom, grandma and great grandmother. 

5. Today actually, even though I felt pretty terrible most of the day, we took advantage of an evening off and went to Lucky Peak. The weather was gorgeous! I am SO ready for summer...

Don't be a dick...

 

I feel a bit judged lately. Comments to my face. Things said behind my back. I should be "over it" or "back to normal" by now. It's time to speak up, so that I can move on.  It has been an interesting few years, and its left me changed. I get stuck in my own head. I get a bit down on the inside. I’m more quiet than I used to be. Not everyone likes the me I am now. "Judgy." To be totally honest, I would like to see every one of those people live just part of what I have gone through and try to come out the other end unchanged. In fact, I dare you.

Let me break it down for you. A little over two years ago life was calm. It was simple and quiet. It was easy. My family was cohesive, happy… I took it for granted, really. A few days before Christmas that year my sister was killed in a car accident. It wasn’t our first experience losing a family member unexpectedly, but that doesn’t make it any less devastating. A month later in January my mom died. Again, totally and completely unexpectedly. She was my best friend… The rug was pulled out from underneath what was left of my little family unit and our lives changed dramatically. We became a primary caregivers to my grandmother and my handicapped aunt. That includes meals, paying bills, grocery shopping, home maintenance... everything. A few short months ago I held my grandmothers hand as she took her last breath and then became my aunts guardian. She has since moved in with me.

I essentially have a 64 year old who will forever have the mentality of a 6 year old. To say co-habitating with her has been an adjustment is an understatement. While we were moving her into her new home, I was simultaneously emptying her old one to surrender to the bank. Going through 60 years worth of items that represent the grandparents I used to have, the parents I used to have, the family I used to have. Every item, every dish, every photo, every brick of that home is a memory of a life that died with my family. Aside from my aunt, I am the last of my immediate family. There is no one else. No more family dinners. No more celebrating mothers day with a matriarch, no one to retell family stories. If it isn't remembered by me, its gone. Let me tell you, that brings a whole new meaning to the word alone.

So…. tell me I don’t have a right to be down. Tell me I shouldn’t retreat into my own head sometimes. Tell me not to feel sorry for myself sometimes. I didn’t ask for any of this.

I’ve learned a few things during these experiences. Its okay to be angry. It’s okay to have bad days. Its okay to hate the world, the universe, whatever higher power you believe in for taking so much away from you. 

Reading this you might think that I have become overwhelmingly negative as a result…. but you know what else I have done in these two years? I have lived. I have done more, and experienced more in the last two years than I did in the 10 years prior. I stopped caring so much what others thought of my thoughts and actions and started living life for me. I’ve lived in the mountains in a little cabin I worked for and got by myself. I’ve hiked over 100 miles every summer. Seen parts of the mountains of Idaho I never thought I would see. I’ve backpacked in the rain, and in the snow and slept under the stars by myself. I’ve snowmobiled up to abandoned mines. Walked the entire Las Vegas Strip deep in conversation with my best friend. I have watched New Years fireworks shoot off of the Space Needle from a boat in the middle of the sound. Swam through a canyon fully clothed to get to a waterfall. Strolled hand in hand on a beach on both sides of the Atlantic and the West coast. I’ve been tattooed in Scotland. I’ve hidden notes in books of poetry for people I love at Powells books in Portland. I’ve seen a few Broadway show and experienced the 9/11 memorial in NYC. I’ve survived a “snowmageddon” in Washington DC. Ran and jumped into someones arms on a street corner in Salt Lake. Played piano with homeless woman and also ran half a mile at 1 in the morning in Denver. Ran in the rain with my love after a concert in Seattle. I’ve touched castles in Wales built by my family and visited tombs of my forefathers in London. I rolled my truck on an icy highway in January then walked to work. I hiked The Narrows in Zion, and viewed Bryce Canyon from the canyon floor. Ive touched 1000 year old sequoias and eaten dinner on the banks of the Merced River at the base of El Cap in Yosemite. I walked the entire length of Manhattan from top to bottom, watched the sun set sitting on the banks of the Hudson and listened to my favorite classical music while getting lost in Central Park. I saw real Van Gogh and Monet paintings and ate amazing food with friends in LA. I've allowed more spontaneity in my life(and subsequently my husbands whether he likes it or not :0)) than ever before. I’ve traveled more in the last year than I have in 20 years.

As much as I have loved everything I have seen and experienced, I do wish I was doing it with my family by my side. Part of me knows that my life never would have jump started like this had I not lost them... The other part of me thinks that maybe despite it all, they would be standing by my side and I could see the look on their faces when witnessing London for the first time.  But, it isn't my reality. Reality is me, taking my memories of them with me wherever I go. I will never stop imagining a hand in mine that will never physically be there again... but they go with me. I hope I have made them proud.

I have loved more fiercely than I ever dared. My circle of friends has shrunk, but my love for the few I have left has increased ten fold. I have reconnected with a few I’d lost touch with. My nearest and dearest all live hundreds of miles away, which has only given me the chance to travel more often. Life has afforded me the opportunity to love, and be loved by more than I realize. Even if I knew that I would have my heart broken, knew these connections would end in hurt, I wouldn’t change my decision to be in these relationships at this time in my life. I would never give up the chance to love and be loved as fully and wholeheartedly as I have the last few months. This last year has taught me to love myself, and my body, and the people around me so much more than I thought possible. Humans have SUCH incredible hearts, and what you can do with that love once you decide to not limit it is amazing. I want to feel like this forever, and maybe I will… but I know that no matter what happens, I will always cherish these times. It is what has gotten me through.

So, at the end of all of this I want those who have judged me to look me in the eye and tell me I’ve a bad attitude. Tell me I am negative. Tell me I have let the world, and death beat me. Walk a few steps in my shoes next time before you form your opinions. I might retreat into my head and feel sorry for myself, I might pull away, I might get overcome with anxiety from time to time because I am afraid of losing everything I hold dear and I will never, ever, for one second stop missing my family… but I have never and will never let it stop me from living and experiencing and loving my life.

Happy Monday and Ten Good Things

Its a MONDAY!!

As I write, I'm stage managing an opera, in an airplane hangar. Bringing together people from all over the country to tell a story. Combining creative efforts to turn an hangar into an acceptable performance venue. Its quite the process, and its been powerful to watch it all come together to be able to tell an incredibly moving story.
 

Speaking of writing, I find that I have an ever evolving relationship with it. Depends heavily upon the state of my mind. I write what is on my mind and heart, and sometimes facing that is a lot easier said than done. I can't promise consistency. But I can say I've missed this little space. 

So, ten good things about the last several months since I showed my face around here...

1. A few more months of mountain living happened. Backpacking, trips to the lake, breathtaking sunsets and day hikes until the first snow fell. I feel like we milked every last second we had up there.

 






2. Mental health trip to Salt Lake, Vegas and Zions- Took a little time for myself and visited family in friends and family in Salt Lake. A few weeks later brought me to Vegas to spend some time with friends, and then a few days camping and hiking in Zions.










3. Thanksgiving Break in Portland- Matt and I met our sister/friend Katie in Portland and explored, read, ate and drank our way through the town while planning our future trip to the UK.





4. Christmas- This one was hard. We lost my grandma the week prior, so celebrating was really, really hard. The tree was up, but it didn't ever get decorated. But we made due. 



5. New Years in Seattle- I joined some friends for a week and rang in the new year on a boat on the Puget Sound watching fireworks being set off from the Space Needle. Amazing.







6. UK trip- This deserves its own series of posts, and I will get there. Promise :0)


7. Reno! I make the trip not for the city itself, but to visit some very dear to me friends. When you've experienced a lot of loss, you close your heart. I have a few I still let in, and they know how special they are to me. Unfortunately, most of them live elsewhere in the country.



8. Winter Escape- We found ourselves in the Sawtooths for a weekend this March and it was exactly what we needed.




9. Learning our new family Normal- With the death of my grandma, Matt and I became guardians of my aunt. She lives with us permanently and it has definitly changed our family dynamic. We have had to redefine what our "normal" is. More on that later as well



 

10. Feeling the BERN! What a crazy year it has been politically and it is only April. We are proud to support Bernie Sanders and were able to attend a rally and hear him speak, then participate in Idahos record shattering democratic caucus. What an experience!