Social Anxiety

 I have had anxiety ever since I was in junior high. When I was young, I didn't recognize it as anxiety, and it wasn't until I was in high school that I approached my mom about it. I had no idea what triggered it then. I would only occasionally be woken up in the middle of the night with the muscles in my neck and back completely seized up. If I let it, that feeling grows down my arms and legs and it's miserable and it freaks me out. Back then I would wake up my mom, and she would rub my muscles until I calmed down enough to relax and get back to sleep. 

My anxiety has come and gone throughout my adult life, cropping up prior to getting on an air plane or going to the doctor, not ever really affecting me socially or professionally until this past year. In the past I've always found myself a part of several different circles of friends, and genuinely enjoy those friends and spending time with them. Now, however... I get those tight muscles in my shoulders, that feeling in the pit of my stomach, and can't breathe at the thought of being around more than 2-3 people. I attribute this new found social awkwardness to the aftermath following my sister and mothers death. For months afterward, as I was trying to move on and deal with reshaping my life around these two voids that were suddenly there, family friends and acquaintances approached my not interested in talking about anything BUT their deaths. I came to a point at which I was just done. I was done talking about it, rehashing it and reliving it every time I ran into someone. I started to feel uncomfortable in my own skin so I sought solitude.

Around this time I was provided an opportunity to work up in the Sawtooths. This opportunity gave me ample amounts of me-time. I didn't have to tell anyone why I was there or what I had been through, and I didn't have people asking me how I am with that look in their eye while simultaneously patting my back. It let me get through things in my head, figure out who I really am as well as who I'd like to be. During this time I was able to reflect on many friendships and figure out who I really wanted to be a part of my life and who I didn't. That there is a blog post for a different day... On quick trips home I was able to see my family and the few friends who I had kept close with little anxiety because I knew my time home was limited, and that I could retreat to my little calm quiet place where I could be all by myself again.

Once it was time to come back to work and home in Boise, it took some adjusting. I'm still adjusting really... It has taken finding a balance between work, friends, family and home. I've whittled my social engagements down quite a bit. I try to spend most of my time with the people who really know me because they understand that some days I am okay, and other days I'm in my head or need my space and they are OKAY with that. I've also learned that it is okay to walk away and remove myself from the situation or simply say no. I have to do what is best for me, even if it happens to be what isn't best for others.

It's frustrating feeling this way, it feels like a complete 180 from what my life used to be... but since it isn't magically going away, I'm finding the best thing to do is to learn to live and be productive with it.