Loneliness is a strange state of mind. I've always been the type of person that enjoys alone time, but only to a certain degree. Being in my head is only good for a while, then I start to visit some deep dark places that I just shouldn't. I'm pretty good at realizing when I need to be around people and when I don't. The type of loneliness that I don't like in any way, shape or form is the surrounded by a room full of people and feeling alone. Its upsetting and frustrating to have so many people around you and feeling like you have no one to talk to. Friends who are important to me stop finding me important. I've come to realize that I only matter to certain people when they need something from me (which I am usually more than happy to give) otherwise I'm inconsequential to them. I think some of this stems from being the type of person who cares too much. We have all read the quote that says "Don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't jump puddles for you." I am a serial ocean crosser. I thought that I had my group of friends figured out. I thought I was aware of who really, really cared about me, and who was just faking it. I thought I knew who had the ability to hurt me and who didn't.
It has been a bit of a rough week. I've worked non stop for several weeks, I'm struggling between feeling like I'm doing awesome and failing miserably at my current job, and the death of my uncle and the birthday of my sister who has been gone just over a year has me in a strange place in my head. When I feel the need to vent it has always gone to 1 of like 3 people. I don't open up to very many people, so when I lose one of those friendships, it hurts a lot more than I am willing to admit. Especially when it is one of those people I have jumped oceans for. It makes me feel used.
I know better than anyone that I won't stop caring too much. I can't just turn it off. Taking care of people is just part of who I am. What I wish I could learn to deal with better is how to handle the situation in a way that doesn't end with me being hurt...
Onwards and upwards, right? Deal with the feelings, let it go and move on. That is what should happen, but it is easier said than done. *sigh* Some people have a therapist, I have a blog! It gets better. I am very aware of that fact. It is what keeps me going when I feel the worst. Eventually I will figure out why I was supposed to be close to that person at that particular moment in my life, even if I never stop missing the friendship itself. Accept what is gone and look forward.
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