I remember when...

 The most treasured heirlooms are the memories of family. 

Sometimes it takes one small thing to bring back a thousand memories. Yesterday it was the smell of blooming sage. As I was hiking the foothills I plucked a sprig and brought it to my nose and suddenly, almost magically, my most happy childhood memories were there at the forefront of my mind. 

 

The months we spent as a family up at our cabin in the Sawtooths were our happiest moments. I can feel the rocks beneath my shoes, the scratch of the sagebrush against my shins, feel my moms hand in mine, smell my dads aftershave from somewhere ahead of me, hear my sisters walking and laughing beside me. 

The best part of reliving these memories is knowing that I’m not forgetting. Because forgetting them is the one thing I’m most afraid of. I know I have said that before, and I know I will say it again.

 Knowing that the next time I walk among blooming sagebrush, I walk with them... well that’s the least lonely I have felt in a very long time. They may be gone, but definitely not forgotten.

I'm nominated!

 I've been nominated for a Liebster award (WHAT?!) Its crazy to me because I have always seen my blog as a place for me to mindlessly write, or word vomit, as a way of clearing my head and dealing with anxiety. Its been a place for me to tell my story my way, and my way of keeping my familys memory alive through words. To know that someone is inspired by my blog is pretty heartwarming.

I was chosen by the beautiful Catherine at Working with Bipolar who I found through Instagram. She is a beautifully honest writer. She is amazing! Thank you, you beautiful soul.

January 19

January 19th is kind of a dirty word in my home. I try my best to block out my experiences that day, but its kind of a fruitless effort. Its the day I watched my mom take her last breath. Its the day that CPR became a real thing. Its the day I heard the EMT say, "we've got her back" only to jump in the car, get to the hospital and be told that she didn't make it. She was done. Her body was tired, but my heart hurt... my best friend just left me. I remember walking out and standing outside the automatic doors at the entrance of the Emergency Room and I just couldn't breathe. I couldn't catch my breathe. I didn't cry then. I didn't cry for almost a year. I got to business breaking the news to everyone. Those are cries and wails you never forget. The hurt was so fresh because we'd suddenly lost our sister Chante just weeks before. We didn't have time to grieve one before being shocked by another.

Looking back.

Happy 2018

 I'm not going to state any "new year new me" bullshit or make any grand statements for what the this year might bring. Really, January 1st was just another day. I'm generally pretty against looking backwards... But, 2017 was a year I don't really want to forget for various reasons. It was a weird one. I saw myself coming together right before I was torn apart. I had lots of highs, as well and some pretty scary lows. Instead of doing a month by month, I'm just going to post some photos in chronological order with a few blurbs here and there, mostly for my own record. And mostly to remind me that even though I endured some really sad, fucked up bullshit both personally and professionally and lets be super honest here and say POLITICALLY...
This was another year that I survived.
2017 did NOT beat me, because I didn't get through it alone.

Turning it into art

"Take that broken heart, and turn it into art."

-Carrie Fischer-

Its been a strange few months for me emotionally, winter always is. If I could skip December and January annually, I would. Being stuck in a weird head space and lacking the motivation or inspiration to write, yet needing to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard in this case) and letting the thought process pour out of you... It isn't a fun place to be, yet here I am! I can't even tell you how many times I opened up this page just to write a sentence and then proceed to sit and stare at the page until I get frustrated and walk away. The nearly blank entry just sitting there, silently mocking me like a big jerk. Hah! I am aware that is a very dramatic way of thinking... damn anxiety trolls... blarg.  

Why I hike...

Sawtooth Valley 2002

I have always had a love affair with nature. I've been called obsessed and told that if you cut me open I would bleed trail dust. I take it as a compliment. As long as I can remember I've been a dirty trail rat. Summers were spent in the mountains. Fishing with my grandad on the Salmon River, swimming in alpine lakes, and hot springs, hiking, often just wandering off trail following a stream just to see where it would take me. I reached the summit of my first peak when I was 19 with my sisters who were 8 and 12 at the time.
 

That was a pretty life changing event for all of us. I remember being so high on adrenaline and excitement that I didn't realize until I got back to our cabin and peeled off my shoes that they had been rubbing my toes so bad my feet were covered in blood. The next few years saw a handful of hikes a year in the summer months while we were camping or visiting a national park.

Yellowstone 2008

Grand Canyon 2006

Zion 2006

 My husband and I did a tour of National Parks for 2 weeks. Camping for a few weeks at a time has been a part of our summer ritual for the entirety of our marriage. We have taken upwards of 20 others out with us to the middle of the Sawtooth Mountains, which afforded me the opportunity to hone my dutch oven skills. (They're mad skillz friends... I can  promise you that) Long story short, I've been lucky enough to be able to enjoy the mountains and wide open spaces around me for my entire life. I absolutely took it for granted.

Cast Iron on the fire 2009

Wilderness and time in and among peaks and valleys, rivers and fresh mountain air didn't become a necessary part of my very survival as a person until 2014. That winter I lost my sister and my mother within a few weeks of each other. My mother was my best friend and the glue of my family. I toughed my way through the process of funeral planning, closing estates, sorting through belongings and did my best to function as a human being all while ignoring the massive hole in my heart, and soul left by the sudden deaths of my family. That summer I took a job up in the Sawtooths and moved up there for 4 months. I started taking shorter hikes in the evening, long 10 milers on my days off. By the end of summer I had hiked about 75 miles.

Hell Roaring Lake 2014

White Clouds 2014

That summer I became a hiker. That summer in the mountains saved my life. Looking back I can see how deep into myself I was getting in the months since the funerals. I locked everything away and refused to feel anything. I was unhealthy physically and mentally. These hikes were all solo for the most part. Traversing trails at my own pace, generally with some music in one ear. Being alone gave me the opportunity to think about whatever I needed to think about in a way that was beneficial for me. In addition to losing about 40 pounds, I also started on the road of unlocking bits of me I had hidden away and slowly began to rebuild myself into the person I wanted to be. On those dirt trails I proved to myself that my mind and body are both stronger than I ever thought possible. I completed hikes I never thought possible.

Imogene Lake 2015

Titus Lake 2015

Hiking stopped being a hobby and became a necessity. I am not fixed by any means. It wasn't a miracle summer. It still took me an additional year and another 100 miles of trails to process enough to really cry and grieve, and even now I know I still have a journey of dealing and healing ahead of me. The most important thing hiking did was provide me with an outlet to channel my energy, both positive and negative... physically and mentaly... I was able to utilize nature in a way that I never had before. I climbed that mountain, so I can face another week without my mom. I backpacked 20 miles in a weekend so I can make it through a birthday or holiday without my sister. It helped me deal with the sudden path change my life had taken, and gave me a way to cope with my grandmothers death a year ago.

Heart Lake 2016

Sawtooths 2014

I learned that people drain me, I need solitude and nature to fill me back up. I learned that life is short, and I don't want to get to the end of mine thinking about everything I wish I had done. I started tackling my bucket list and am very proud with the dent I have made in it... even though I continuously am adding to it.

Plain of the Six Glaciers 2016

Smith Rock State Park 2016

Garden of the Gods 2016

This year I am committing to do the 52 Hike Challenge. I am really excited about it. This first month has been rough because I have had to work a lot. Mornings, afternoons and evenings, sometimes really late nights... so I have had to make a few miles on the greenbelt suffice. All that has done is drive me to diversify the rest of my list to make up for it. Last year I got to knock off hiking in Canada and the UK... I can't wait to see what the rest of this year brings me, and I look forward to blogging my way through it!!

Baldy Mountain Trail 2016

Bryce Canyon 2016

Frank Church Wilderness 2016

Happy Monday and 5 Good Things

Happy Holidays! 

Random Musings of an Unfocused Mind.

All day I have felt the need to write. Felt the need to release something... I feel like I have an incredible amount of unfocused energy in my body and it isn't doing anything positive. In fact, I think about it, get overwhelmed and then shut down completely and get pretty down on myself.

Happy Monday and 5 Happy Things

Its another beautiful Monday!! Ready for 5 Happy Things?

 

Happy Monday and 5 Good Things

Its been a little while since I did a Happy Monday post, what the hell, right? 

Bryce Canyon National Park

It's very strange to say you feel rooted to an area you've never lived. But for me, its the truth.

Central Park

I realize that I am jumping all over the place. I have a lot I want to document, and there is a lot of sorting and organizing of the UK trip photos that still needs to be done. Instead of putting this on hold, I am going to forge a head and finish one of the other dozen posts I have planned. Too many travel photos to go through... Very much a first world problem, right? So, forging ahead!

The UK- London Calling

The flight from JFK to London was a red eye, so we all attempted to sleep and failed spectacularly. I spent my time watching a few movies and reading "Rising Strong" by Brene Brown. The quote above is a photo I took while reading on the plane. Some pretty meaningful stuff.


We were due to land around 8 or 9 in the morning, so we were just starting to fly over some western islands just as first light was appearing. You could barely make out the little slivers of land below. Eerily beautiful.

I distinctly remember the exact moment I started to recognize that we were actually flying over and about to land in London. England. Its a huge deal, especially for someone who has barely traveled outside the western half of her own country. London was something I had only dreamed about. The shot below is the Thames and reminds me a lot of The Eastenders. A British soap opera my mom used to religiously watch.

 As we were starting our descent I'm looking out the window at nondescript greenery and little towns with my headphones in, completely zoned out. I came to attention as Step Out from the Walter Mitty soundtrack came on. Anyone that knows me understands the great meaning that movie and its music holds for me. I'm listening to the words and I realize that the river I'm looking at is the Thames... the music crescendos and then I saw the Tower Bridge. Then The London Eye. Then Big Ben and Parliament. 

I nearly cried you guys. It was kind of this defining moment in my journey where things came together to create the most beautiful chain of moments. And strangely, with the addition of the song, I knew my mom was there with me. Not at all in the capacity I wanted her to be there... but it did bring me some measure of comfort. 

We landed and made our way quite easily through customs and baggage claim, picked up our rental car and then somehow, by all that is good in the universe, we drove about 60 miles to our AirBnB. I don't think I will ever get used to being on the other side of the road... and I don;t think there will ever be enough anxiety medication for me to be a comfortable navigator/passenger. It was a little rough, but we made it!!

We were staying about 10 miles south of the heart of London in a little area called Hither Green. Adorable little area in my opinion. Picturesque little town pub called The Station is very near the train station. Its the kind of architecture you think is only in books and movies... but its everywhere.

Our house was about half a mile from the train station so traveling to and from London was super easy. The home we stayed at was at the end of a row of brownstone townhouses with adorable gardens. Ours had a sunroom that was super comfortable to drink coffee and eat breakfast in, even in January. The host was the most gracious woman named Susan. We emailed back and forth and she was very happy to answer all of our touristy questions. When we return to London, we will most definitely try to get this place again. You can see more photos of this place HERE

The day wasn't over yet!!  We unpacked and grabbed real fish and chips with curry sauce from a kind of sketchy looking little shop with the most adorable little old man. I was a little nervous ordering, but as I watched him prepare our food from scratch, and then tasted it... I was sold. Don't judge a book by its cover. To this day, I still dream about that curry sauce.

We then walked down to the station and hopped on a train to spend the last few hours of daylight wandering around London a bit.

 

I don't remember why I was scowling, but it isn't an accurate representation of how I felt... I was ecstatic. Its also a bit overwhelming. You get off of the train station and are surrounded by about 30 things you want to see and do all within a mile radius. We really were just trying to get a feel for the city, get our bearings a bit. 

 

 The City is full of history, with little monuments and artistic elements built throughout is long, rich history.  I believe that these City of London dragons with shields were added throughout the city in 1994. You will find touches like that everywhere... Roses added to park benches for one of the many Queens Jubilee, stamps into the sidewalk, symbols on light posts... Its proof that there is a lot of people who deeply care about their city, and have for as long as its been a city.

Iconic sign for the London Underground. Right after taking this photo, we actually ran into someone from Boise proving that after all, the world can still be a very small place.

Dinner was at The Walrus and The Carpenter Named after Lewis Carroll. Meat pies and local brews for all!! We then ended up wandering towards the Tower of London, (which was closed by the time we got there) and the Tower Bridge. Its everything you imagine and more.

As we crossed the bridge to get to our train station, we stopped and took a few London cityscape shots... and then just stood for a while and took it all in. Such a beautiful, special place for me.

The Bringers of Light

 

My heart was heavy as I went to sleep last night after watching as the country elected Donald Trump as president. My heart was even more heavy as I woke up this morning and saw how deeply affected and scared people I care for are. Scared for their safety, jobs and status as American citizens. Light is slowly being shed in the form of little shreds of hope. Hilary actually won the popular vote, so I'm not alone. I am willing to stand up and love and protect those whose rights may be oppressed under the leadership of one of the most hateful people to ever be elected president. I am not alone in this fight for right. 

A very dear friend, Jennifer Wilhelmi wrote her thoughts out very early this morning, and they are exactly what I needed to read, and what I feel I need to share with my fellow Bringers of Light.

And a great and terrible darkness covered the land.

It was cold and lifeless and infused with pain and suffering.

The land was no longer friendly or safe.

Out of this darkness came the Bringers of Light.

A million strong, ten million strong. 

They carried the light of promise

They carried the light of wisdom

They carried the light of peace and gratitude

They carried the light of compassion and love.

They were legion, with hands and hearts joined.

They came together from all corners of the earth,

From every race and creed

From every cut and cloth

They were the tapestry of the New Earth.

Into the Valley of the Shadow they came

Fear and ignorance stepped aside as they came.

They were the Bringers of the Light, the creators of the New Earth

They brought acceptance and togetherness

They brought health and prosperity.

They gave freely of their light, It would never dim.

And the darkness fell away before the light

And the darkness fell away before the love and the beauty.

And the darkness fell away before the peace and prosperity

And the light shown brightly for a thousand years.