I'm nominated!

 I've been nominated for a Liebster award (WHAT?!) Its crazy to me because I have always seen my blog as a place for me to mindlessly write, or word vomit, as a way of clearing my head and dealing with anxiety. Its been a place for me to tell my story my way, and my way of keeping my familys memory alive through words. To know that someone is inspired by my blog is pretty heartwarming.

I was chosen by the beautiful Catherine at Working with Bipolar who I found through Instagram. She is a beautifully honest writer. She is amazing! Thank you, you beautiful soul.

January 19

January 19th is kind of a dirty word in my home. I try my best to block out my experiences that day, but its kind of a fruitless effort. Its the day I watched my mom take her last breath. Its the day that CPR became a real thing. Its the day I heard the EMT say, "we've got her back" only to jump in the car, get to the hospital and be told that she didn't make it. She was done. Her body was tired, but my heart hurt... my best friend just left me. I remember walking out and standing outside the automatic doors at the entrance of the Emergency Room and I just couldn't breathe. I couldn't catch my breathe. I didn't cry then. I didn't cry for almost a year. I got to business breaking the news to everyone. Those are cries and wails you never forget. The hurt was so fresh because we'd suddenly lost our sister Chante just weeks before. We didn't have time to grieve one before being shocked by another.

Looking back.

Happy 2018

 I'm not going to state any "new year new me" bullshit or make any grand statements for what the this year might bring. Really, January 1st was just another day. I'm generally pretty against looking backwards... But, 2017 was a year I don't really want to forget for various reasons. It was a weird one. I saw myself coming together right before I was torn apart. I had lots of highs, as well and some pretty scary lows. Instead of doing a month by month, I'm just going to post some photos in chronological order with a few blurbs here and there, mostly for my own record. And mostly to remind me that even though I endured some really sad, fucked up bullshit both personally and professionally and lets be super honest here and say POLITICALLY...
This was another year that I survived.
2017 did NOT beat me, because I didn't get through it alone.