Connecting to people is something I have decided that I am terrible at. Not because I don't want to, I honestly think its a self preservation thing. It isn't just in my every day dealings with humans... I have definitely isolated myself, distanced my self from the memory of my family.
Its easier to disassociate then to remember sometimes (P.S. I am super aware I need to work on that... I need to work on a lot of things...) I've found myself clinging to the very small handful of people I do have, and maintain a connection with. Poor bastards. They put up with quite a lot from me. Even so, in the back of my mind I am fully prepared for them to disappear at a moments notice, just walk out of my life.
I didn't used to be this way. Through my school age years, I was friends with everyone. Maintained close friendships with quite a few people. As I grew older and ideas and opinions evolved, so did my group of friends. Even after marriage I still held a healthy number of friends... people I connected with.
I think what I am getting at is that through all the change and evolution of my relationships, friendships... I had one steadfast unchanging connection... I had my mom. And my sisters. And my grandparents. But ESPECIALLY my mom. We didn't always get along but we were genuinely very best friends. And then one morning, when I was still raw from my sisters death, she was just gone. I had her the day before... and then I just didn't. Without warning I completely shattered and retreated within myself. Built a wall around myself to keep the hurt out. I still had my grandma... for a bit anyway... but it wasn't the same. And then just as suddenly I didn't have her either.
Sudden death is a shock physically, mentally and emotionally. I found myself not wanting to look at photos of happier times. If I disassociate myself from seeing their smiling faces, I felt like I could still move forward. I didn't cry for over 6 months after my mom died. At all. Not in sappy movies, sad songs, the end of Harry Potter (heh) I couldn't force it. Emotions were closed for business.
Long story short... I realized the other day that by not trying to connect... not actively remembering... that I was missing out. I miss them, and I still hurt every single day. I feel alone every single day. Not having immediate family sucks you guys. I think somehow I got it in my head that if I push their memory away, if I don't maintain my connection to them and what they meant to me, that it would somehow get easier. It didn't. And I MISS it.
I don't think I resemble my family much, I never have. I look a lot like my biological father, whom I have never met. The lack of super visible resemblance made it easier to sever the ties. Until I ran across a photo (see above) that made me do a double take. The only real facial trait I share with my mom is my chin, and in this photo it is so prominent. I looked like her for a hot second. At first it made me sad, then it made me smile, and then inevitably I was selfishly sad... again. Story of my life.
It made me realize that I should slowly start reintroducing photos of them into my life. It will be slow going. But I want to remember. I want to re-connect. I want to share with you the stories of the amazing people that I come from and that I ache for.... I want to start seeing them in myself, again. If I can't have them standing next to me, at least I can have them in my thoughts, and my actions, and my face, occasionally... And I'm hoping that by taking these baby steps, is some weird way it will translate into my connectivity in everyday life. With actual humans!! Crazy right?? Wish me luck. Or I should wish you luck, because its gonna be a super awkward journey!
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