In the months following the loss of my sister and my mother, I couldn't bring myself to read fiction. What I did do, was devour poetry, and quotes about loss and grief, strength and weakness. I wrote the ones I connected to in a notebook. I didn't realize it until sometime later, but I was searching for words that explained more eloquently, the feelings in my head and in my heart, because I couldn't describe it. I needed to read and identify with the words of others who had felt what I felt. In a weird way it made me feel less lonely. These words understood and explained how I felt. They didn't judge, or make me think I was crazy or compare my loss or level of grief to theirs. In a few months I read hundreds of poems and quotes. As helpful as they were at the time I read them, only a handful remain memorized. The one that struck me the most was brought to my attention by a good friend of mine and is probably the most powerful two lines I have ever read in my life.
These words made me realize how deeply loosing them affected me. Pride told me I was okay. I now am now aware I am not, but someday will be. I started this post tragedy journey wanting to live FOR my sister and mom. What I have learned is that I am really living for me. Through everything I do they are with me, "everything I do is stitched with their color."
I am not defined by their loss, but so much of what I have accomplished in the last year has been influenced by them, or the loss of them. Life is short and unpredictable. I have learned that I want to live it. I refuse to be unhappy, complacent. The biggest thing I'm trying to figure out is what kind of person I want to be and how to achieve it in baby steps. A constant thought in the back of my mind is whether or not my sister and Mom would be proud of the person I have become. I'm not sure that is a healthy way of looking at things, but it is always going to be there. One thing I do know, is that whoever I was, whoever I am, and whoever I will be... They'd love me regardless. THAT is the kind of person I want to become... another example of the influence of their absence... and my decisions being "stitched with its color."
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