I feel a bit judged lately. Comments to my face. Things said behind my back. I should be "over it" or "back to normal" by now. It's time to speak up, so that I can move on. It has been an interesting few years, and
its left me changed. I get stuck in my own head. I get a bit down on
the inside. I’m more quiet than I used to be. Not everyone likes the me I
am now. "Judgy." To be totally honest, I would like to see every one of
those people live just part of what I have gone through and try to come
out the other end unchanged. In fact, I dare you.
Let me break it down
for you. A little over two years ago life was calm. It was simple and quiet. It was easy. My
family was cohesive, happy… I took it for granted, really. A few days
before Christmas that year my sister was killed in a car accident. It
wasn’t our first experience losing a family member unexpectedly, but
that doesn’t make it any less devastating. A month later in January my
mom died. Again, totally and completely unexpectedly. She was my best
friend… The rug was pulled out from underneath what was left of my
little family unit and our lives changed dramatically. We became a
primary caregivers to my grandmother and my handicapped aunt. That includes meals, paying bills, grocery shopping, home maintenance... everything. A few short months ago I held my grandmothers hand as she took her last breath
and then became my aunts guardian. She has since moved in with me.
I essentially have a 64 year old who will forever have the mentality of a
6 year old. To say co-habitating with her has been an adjustment is an
understatement. While we were moving her into her new home, I was
simultaneously emptying her old one to surrender to the bank. Going
through 60 years worth of items that represent the grandparents I used
to have, the parents I used to have, the family I used to have. Every
item, every dish, every photo, every brick of that home is a memory of a
life that died with my family. Aside from my aunt, I am the last of my
immediate family. There is no one else. No more family dinners. No more
celebrating mothers day with a matriarch, no one to retell family stories. If it isn't remembered by me, its gone. Let me tell you, that brings a whole new
meaning to the word alone.
So…. tell me I don’t have a right to be down. Tell me I shouldn’t
retreat into my own head sometimes. Tell me not to feel sorry for myself
sometimes. I didn’t ask for any of this.
I’ve learned a few things during these experiences. Its okay to be
angry. It’s okay to have bad days. Its okay to hate the world, the
universe, whatever higher power you believe in for taking so much away
from you.
Reading this you might think that I have become
overwhelmingly negative as a result…. but you know what else I have done
in these two years? I have lived. I have done more, and experienced
more in the last two years than I did in the 10 years prior. I stopped
caring so much what others thought of my thoughts and actions and
started living life for me. I’ve lived in the mountains in a little
cabin I worked for and got by myself. I’ve hiked over 100 miles every
summer. Seen parts of the mountains of Idaho I never thought I would
see. I’ve backpacked in the rain, and in the snow and slept under the
stars by myself. I’ve snowmobiled up to abandoned mines. Walked the entire Las Vegas Strip deep in conversation with my best friend. I have watched New Years fireworks
shoot off of the Space Needle from a boat in the middle of the sound.
Swam through a canyon fully clothed to get to a waterfall. Strolled hand
in hand on a beach on both sides of the Atlantic and the West coast. I’ve been tattooed in Scotland. I’ve hidden notes in books
of poetry for people I love at Powells books in Portland. I’ve seen a few Broadway show and
experienced the 9/11 memorial in NYC. I’ve survived a “snowmageddon” in
Washington DC. Ran and jumped into someones arms on a street
corner in Salt Lake. Played piano with homeless woman and also ran half a
mile at 1 in the morning in Denver. Ran in the rain with my love after a concert in Seattle. I’ve touched castles in Wales built
by my family and visited tombs of my forefathers in London. I rolled my truck on an icy highway in January then walked to work. I hiked The Narrows in Zion, and viewed Bryce Canyon from the canyon floor. Ive touched 1000 year old sequoias and eaten dinner on the banks of the Merced River at the base of El Cap in Yosemite. I walked the entire length of Manhattan from top to bottom, watched the sun set sitting on the banks of the Hudson and listened to my favorite classical music while getting lost in Central Park. I saw real Van Gogh and Monet paintings and ate amazing food with friends in LA. I've allowed more spontaneity in my life(and subsequently my husbands whether he likes it or not :0)) than ever before. I’ve traveled more in the last year than I have in 20 years.
As much as I have loved everything I have seen and experienced, I do wish I was doing it with my family by my side. Part of me knows that my life never would have jump started like this had I not lost them... The other part of me thinks that maybe despite it all, they would be standing by my side and I could see the look on their faces when witnessing London for the first time. But, it isn't my reality. Reality is me, taking my memories of them with me wherever I go. I will never stop imagining a hand in mine that will never physically be there again... but they go with me. I hope I have made them proud.
As much as I have loved everything I have seen and experienced, I do wish I was doing it with my family by my side. Part of me knows that my life never would have jump started like this had I not lost them... The other part of me thinks that maybe despite it all, they would be standing by my side and I could see the look on their faces when witnessing London for the first time. But, it isn't my reality. Reality is me, taking my memories of them with me wherever I go. I will never stop imagining a hand in mine that will never physically be there again... but they go with me. I hope I have made them proud.
I have loved more fiercely than I ever dared. My circle of friends
has shrunk, but my love for the few I have left has increased ten fold. I
have reconnected with a few I’d lost touch with. My nearest and dearest
all live hundreds of miles away, which has only given me the chance to
travel more often. Life has afforded me the opportunity to love, and be
loved by more than I realize. Even if I knew
that I would have my heart broken, knew these connections would end in
hurt, I wouldn’t change my decision to be in these relationships at this
time in my life. I would never give up the chance to love and be loved
as fully and wholeheartedly as I have the last few months. This last year
has taught me to love myself, and my body, and the people around me so
much more than I thought possible. Humans have SUCH incredible hearts,
and what you can do with that love once you decide to not limit it is
amazing. I want to feel like this forever, and maybe I will… but I know
that no matter what happens, I will always cherish these times. It is what has gotten me through.
So, at the end of all of this I
want those who have judged me to look me in the eye and tell me I’ve a
bad attitude. Tell me I am negative. Tell me I have let the world, and death beat me. Walk a few steps in my shoes next time before you
form your opinions. I might retreat into my head and feel sorry for
myself, I might pull away, I might get overcome with anxiety from time to time because I am afraid of losing everything I hold dear and I will never, ever, for one second stop missing my family…
but I have never and will never let it stop me from living and
experiencing and loving my life.
